Sometimes the best things in life are finding those comfortable spaces where you just fit. I’m not talking about the space on your couch – though that’s comfortable too. I’m talking about those spaces where you fit with comfortable silence. You know, those silences when you’re just comfortable with someone that the conversation flows, and those gaps between conversations is filled with that comfortable silence that you don’t need rush to fill in with words because you’re perfectly content to just be.

find your comfortable spaces

Comfortable spaces are like those comfortable silences, but better. It’s the comfort of sitting next to someone at a bar and when your leg touches theirs, not recoiling out of habit but being comfortable having someone else in your space. It’s those days just sitting and doing nothing and fitting into the space in life where things are okay. Being comfortable and realizing that not everything has to be a challenge and finding those comfortable spaces is one of the great parts about life.

Sometimes, you find those spaces out in the woods by yourself, enjoying the fog on a cool-warm day between raindrops and melting snow. Sometimes you find those spaces out on the town with friends when you go just a little bit out of your comfort zone and have a blast anyway. And sometimes, you find those spaces sitting next to someone at a bar on a day drinking excursion that turns out to be an incredibly comfortable space that you just don’t want to end.

Who knows, maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe it does. Maybe all things that seem too good to be true really are. Or, maybe there are things in life that are just that good. For a change, I’m trying to not overthink everything, and have a little faith that maybe sometimes things really do happen for a reason. Even if that reason was just that I needed a really great Saturday to find a comfortable space. All the while hoping it’s more.

After writing last week’s blog about living a great story – your story – it also got me thinking about another one of my sister’s great quotes that I have hanging on my fridge on a photo of her crossing the finish of the NY Marathon (yeah, she runs for fun, I run only when chased…idk some days how we’re related, but I digress). And even though I’ll never get the whole running thing, the quote – now that’s something I get. Right here, through to my core. No running required.

Be your own superhero.

Really, why not? It makes sense, and I realized a few years back that I already was mine. I think that’s why I find the whole dating scene so frustrating and often opt to forego that and go for good company and good friends and good whiskey instead. It’s far easier than explaining living my life. This life. Life as a superhero.

I realized this with the help of a dear friend and a huge inspiration to me. She was the oldest rider to ever compete and complete at Rolex Kentucky Three Day Event – the only four star FEI event in North America and at just over ten years my senior, I hardly consider her old. If you met her, you’d know her spirit is as youthful as they come and that lends itself to her successes. She’s always smiling, always takes time for others, and has raised some wonderful kids, one of whom I am also privileged to call a colleague and friend. I’d like to think some of her inspiration has rubbed off on me.

She sometimes refers to me as a superhero for all I accomplish. Funny thing is, I look at HER as a superhero without having seen it in myself. And then I stopped and thought about it, and realized we could both be superheroes. After all, X-Men didn’t do it all themselves. They weren’t all men either. And superheroes often have superhero friends. So why then is it so hard to find other people that understand that? Just be yourself.

Be extraordinary.

Yes, being yourself is extraordinary. The very definition of ordinary is “with no special or distinctive features” so by being yourself – your true self – and living your great story, you are therefore, extraordinary. No one else can be you. No one else can live your story. So stop being afraid of what’s out there and go out and do your extraordinary things, whatever those things may be. Whether it’s defying odds and competing around one of the hardest event courses in the world on your home made OTTB, or starting your own company and fighting for what you believe in. Even if it’s just a matter of living every day better than the last and embracing your quirks such as painting the laundry room to 80’s music while singing off key and having a blast with your friend and her kids.

Being extraordinary is a matter of being you to the fullest. Sometimes I take a step back and look at everything I accomplish on my own, and realize, wow, I really did do all of this. And I’ll do even more tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that. And sometimes, I’ll accomplish nothing more than a day on the couch after a soak in the hot tub and that’s okay too. Even superheroes need a day off from time to time.

I can see it. Can you?

You may not be able to see it in yourself, but if you can see the superhero in someone else, it’s there in you too. You just have to believe in yourself. Be you. You already are your own superhero. Even without ever running the NY Marathon and don’t worry, I’m not ever running it either. But follow your superpower dreams and go live your own superhero story because being your own superhero is the best way to be.

The best part of life is being your own superhero. When you can live life as yourself, with a passion and focus and drive – and above all, independence – that shows the world, you don’t need to be saved. You’re no damsel in distress. You’ve got this.

I’ve got this.

That doesn’t mean that I never need help. I do. And I am lucky enough to have some amazing friends that are there for me when I need them and I am there for them in return. Even superheroes need help from time to time. And no one should ever feel that they need to go it alone.

So why then is it so hard to understand this when I tell you I don’t need to be saved? I see this with my friends being told over and over the perfect guy is right there, or right here, or he really likes you and is a good guy so you should be with him. Should I? Should you? Should she? Really? What about the part that maybe I/you/she doesn’t WANT to be with him? What if all he wants is someone to protect and save, and that’s not what she ever needed at all?

Just how much of this is the #metoo movement and it’s reverberations throughout society and how much of this is basic male instinct or well, I don’t even know what anymore. I just know that I’m over it. I just want someone to BE with. Not to be saved, rescued, lost, or found. To just BE. Be me. Is that so much to ask?

You see, I can already take care of myself. One would think at 41 years old, I should be able to (but there is much of society these days that cannot, so who am I to say). I have my own home and farm to live on (rent or own, I don’t care, the point is, I live here, it’s home to me). I live on my own. I take care of my own horses and cats and dogs and chickens. I don’t have kids, but I am capable of taking care of my freind’s kids when I need to (mostly. I know to feed them and give them water, and a tv remote + a kitten will make even a sick kid feel better).  I can rewire my own quad (and have to this spring). I have snowmobiles, and love mudding, sledding, and camping. I have a diesel truck and a rather large rig (horse trailer with LQ) and have been hauling a trailer myself for as long as I’ve had a license.

I have help when I need it, but also greatly enjoy doing a lot of this myself. I guess what’s most baffling to me is the fact that this is really who I am. It’s not some act to get someone interested. I LOVE sports (just ask my friends), beers + darts in The Dugout (my own game room at the farmhouse) is a favorite past time, and I genuinely am an outdoorsy person that you can find sitting on my four wheeler at the lake fishing for a large mouth bass to grill for dinner on just about any given day after work in the summer.

You can find me here on #anygivenworkday. Because time at the lake in the mountains is never wasted time.

Funny thing is, I see more and more of my friends who are independent strong women struggling with these same things when it comes to the men in their lives.

We’re not damsels in distress, or waiting for a hero. We already are our own superheroes. We just need you to be YOU. And by that, I mean bring your own hobbies and strengths and superheroness to the table. Wow me with who you are, what you love, and what makes you awesome. Not what you can do for me – this isn’t a job interview or some planning for a future shopping spree. I have my own money to buy things, thankyouverymuch. No, I’d much rather you have your own life and passions and such, and learn about those.

Sure, there are girls out there that are still impressed that you can beat up their ex if they want, buy them dinner all the time (it’s okay to treat – that’s nice, but not a reason to date you in my book), and to rescue them from whatever bad situation they put themselves in next. Sorry, I’d much rather make better decisions, avoid those bad situations, and get to spend time with you over a rare steak and aged whiskey where great conversations flow. Is it that hard to see?

Why do Average Joes think that they deserve Supergirl?

Sometimes people only see the Clark Kent and never realize they’re standing next to Superman. Or Supergirl. So what? Does it really matter?

It matters to me.

It matters to me because I find it incredibly frustrating when me or one of my friends gets the line – oh you should date him, he’d totally take care of you. Or – you just need to open your eyes to realize you’ve had someone right in front of you all along who would make sure you never had any more problems. Really? Like that’s a thing.

What? Do you think I am blind? I can see who’s right in front of me. I always have. I’m not stupid. Just waiting for that spark. Something DIFFERENT. Did you really think Supergirl would date Average Joe? She’s probably got plans with Superman after they’re both done saving their own respective days. So please, be a superhero. To your friends, your kids, your family, and above all, yourself. I’ll meet you for dinner after you’re done and we can catch up on our days and the things we love most in life, together.

I’ll meet you for rare steak & aged whiskey when you’re done <3

It was just about a week ago that I finally sat down, and opened up the envelope with my horse Lucky’s hair, and it was almost a year since I lost him. I wasn’t home that day – I was on my way to Kentucky for work and just about an hour from the Horse Park when I got the call that he was injured in a pasture accident (Lucky was a master at pasture accidents, so initially this wasn’t a huge shock as he could get injured in a padded room most days and hadn’t been rideable in well over a decade). The vet was on the way. The rest of the circumstances surrounding that evening and everything that happened are lost in a blur of phone calls, text messages, juggling work responsibilities and checking in at the park, and, of course, the final outcome. He was gone. I collapsed in a heap of tears and despair. Not being there to triage and attend to him myself, and be there with him in his final moments is something I am gutted over to this day. Opening the envelope with the lock of his hair was the first step in realizing that everything happens for a reason, even when that thing that happens is sad and tragic, or jolting, or shocking, or something you never expected. Or maybe it was something you did. But somewhere in there, there’s a reason in everything. You just have to look for it.

Lucky’s hair alongside my “comfort travel cat” Chococat <3

What followed next was a whirlwind of change that lead me to where I am today. On my own farm in a long term situation surrounded by one of my lifelong best friends who I can trust not just with my own life, but the lives of my animals as well. That alone is a peace of mind that is priceless. Since moving, my cats are fitter (Caspian is even less fat!), the horses are fatter (free choice hay + low stress environment will do that!), and my dogs are in heaven (figuratively, not literally!). Finally, I’m learning to breathe again. And I mean really breathe, not just survive. I realized that a lot of life is figuring out which bridges to cross, and which bridges to burn, and the move last summer started for the first time in my life to make that clear to me.

I’ve been able to take a step back and when things started to feel overwhelming, I had a safe space to be that I could retreat, regroup, and heal. And that’s exactly what I did. I took time for me. I took time with friends. I took a mental health day from work. And I was able to remember – from the reassurance of my own self, as well as the support of true friends – that even when someone wants me to be their scapegoat, no one can change my own reality but me. And with that, I was able to let it go.

Let it go. Stop holding on to worry and concern. Stop fretting over who was saying what about me, if someone really thought I did this or I didn’t do that, and making sure that everyone heard my side. I realized my side doesn’t matter.

My story does.

And so I sit here to tell my story, only to realize that I don’t need to tell it. As my sister always says, “live a great story.” That’s exactly what I am doing – living. A great story.

My great story.

Thing is, the truth always seems to have a funny way of coming out. Stories, you see, have a life of their own, and what you spin into story comes to life. It would seem that all those years of staring at this poster believing I really could climb through the wall and ride that unicorn to go on great adventures was every bit as true as I believed it to be. Because it was part of my story, and so it came to life for me, in its own way. The same holds true of any other stories you put out into the world. You breathe energy and life into them when you tell them, so make sure the story you’re telling is a great one. But also an honest one. Because if it’s not, those elements of untruths will start to fall apart. They can’t hold up in the light as well as the truth can and their little bits of darkness start to seep through the cracks, and eventually they crumble under the light. When that happens, those spaces the untruths leave behind start to open up gaps in the story. Gaps that will be filled by other people in the stories, and they’ll start to plug those holes with their truths, or perhaps, their own untruths. But if they fill those holes with their own untruths, over time they too, will crumble and so the cycle will continue until all the dust has settled and all that remains is the truth.

stop writing negative people into your story

So unless your story exists in a vacuum, or perhaps in a cabin in the woods with no interaction from others akin to Walt Whitman’s humble abode, it’s always best to tell your TRUE story.

Be honest. Be raw. Be real.
But above all, be you.

I’m me. It’s the only person I know how to be. And I want to live a great story, so I am. This story of mine is one of friendship and courage, of mistakes and fuck ups, trials and tribulations. It also includes heartbreak, juvenile mistakes, and adult lessons that all lead me to where I am today. And I’m not done yet. My story moved with me to New York last summer. It went with me to the Western Beer Garden Winterfest in Callicoon yesterday. It was a part of me when I forgot to unplug my aftermarket car seat heaters from the cigarette lighter and killed my battery in the middle of a snowstorm and needed a jump, forcing me to go back inside and maybe, give my number to that fun guy I was talking to all night. Maybe. It was with me when we *almost* made it over the mountain to Shandelee and just about did then Squirrel Nut Zip Car overheated and we had to slide back down in neutral and go the long way through Roscoe. It was with me today when I cleaned the house, and when I played with the dogs and cats, and when I went outside and did the barn chores for the whole of 20 minutes a day it takes me thanks to my awesome setup here. It was with me when I took a little longer to relax and spend some time with my horses, and when I came back inside to change so I could soak in the hot tub, and it was still my story when I got out of the hot tub and then decided that chocolate covered fruit and sweats and an afternoon on the couch watching Daytona was so my thing today.

My story is also one that I tell to be inspirational. To serve as a warning to others to help them from making the same mistakes that I have made. To help everyone who’s manic know that they’re not alone. We’re never alone even when we are. That’s the beauty of a great story. It has a life all its own. My story also has you in it. Because you’ve been here for me. All of you. Even those of you that I don’t necessarily want in my story are in my story if I give you words, or tell your tales intertwined with mine.

Suddenly, I realized, that if I didn’t want you in my story, I just had to stop talking about that part of the story and, like an actor on a television drama, let it be written right off the show.

That leaves the rest of it. The friends I have. The life I lead that I hope can be inspirational as well as encouraging. Humorous, different, a little off kilter even, and always without a paddle. And I know not everyone will like my story, nor will everyone want to be a part of my story. But that’s okay. Because sometimes you’re too much for people and that’s okay too. Those people aren’t part of your tribe, so don’t waste time trying to write them into your story.

Live a great story. Live your story.

And believe in yourself because it’s an amazing life when you write your own story. After all, no one else can write your story but you. What are you waiting for? Me? I’m here living my story. Write with me and let’s see if our stories intertwine.

They say that often the truth lies somewhere in between. They’re right, you know. Even though I don’t know who “they” really are. But that’s not really what matters. What matters is not what others say about you, or what you think they think about you, or even what they actually think about you. What matters is how you live your life, and that’s something no one else knows the truth about other than you.

Also in between is this sense of life. Where we are going. Where we’ve been. Where we are now is always in between that. It’s not a bad thing, really. It just is what it is. And sometimes, in between is just a step along the way and you can feel like you’re stuck there even when you’re not. It’s always just a matter of perspective. Whether you’re in between things, in between here and there, yesterday and tomorrow, or solidly on the road to tomorrow. And sometimes the difference is just a matter of making up your mind.

I’m on the road for tomorrow. Firmly. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, I know where I am going. I also know where I’ve been.

Even when I don’t like admitting where I’ve been, I can always admit that I’ve learned from it and whether I saw it at the time or not, it had its purpose in my life at that time for whatever reason or lesson it was I needed to learn. And so I’m happy to say I’ve learned, and moved on, moved forward, and no, I am not looking back.

Some people like to dredge up the past, point fingers and blame, and talk out of both sides of their mouths. Saying on one hand that this is the situation or circumstance, but on the other trying to also own the results without the blame. Or maybe they want to own the blame because playing the victim works for them. In some cases, it’s about attention. In other cases it’s about things I can’t even explain or understand, nor do I care to try. Reality is often in between, and always personal. If you can’t own your life, stop, make changes. And then own it. Not later, not tomorrow, not when there’s more time. Now Do it now. Because you’ve got fucking time. This is the most important shit you can deal with so do it right this minute before you do anything else. Understand the difference between delegating and shirking. Delegate to grow and learn while still owning everything under your umbrella, whatever that umbrella may be.

I’m still learning. Life is all about learning and every day I am learning more. It’s been a long time since something threw me in such a tailspin as so many recent events have (and no, it’s not just one thing, and it’s more than you think), but it’s also never been something I’ve been so readily able to own. To say this is me – I am manic – and I need some time but I’ll be okay. And it’s okay to take a mental health day. And it’s okay to talk about it. Or not. You do you. No one needs to tell you how to live your life. Just own it. Own yourself. Own your body. Own your rules. Own your life. It’s okay if you color outside the lines, or prefer math to magic, or magic to monotony, or unicorns to horses, or a pet rock to a pet anything else.

You do you. No one else can.

Just remember that. When you’re down and out, or struggling with the whys or hows or who’s, or in a twist to put what you thought you knew as reality back together because someone pulled the rug out from under you, just stop and remember. Nobody else is you. Not here. Not there. And not anywhere in between.

Thanks, AirBNB and Stay Local Nashville! I just got here today, and already got my first Amazon / UPS delivery (thanks Amazon Prime), had a dinner guest, and a bottle of wine. I’m now watching TV on a couch more comfortable than mine at home, with wine, computer, and ID TV on (what else…really? do you know me at all???).

because wine

It’s kinda like home. As long as I don’t go outside. And in central air. And suburbia, but it’s like okay suburbia because it’s cute and unique and next to an old southern mansion. With more modern appliances.

Seriously this makes me want to move here. Or get home and totally gut and redo my house. Or both.

Good news is, I can “live” here the 4x a year I’m going to Nashville from now on, and steal some of their awesome ideas for redoing my own home. OMG this bathroom – the tile is to die for! I’d take a picture but I have wine. And a couch that’s more comfortable than mine. Have I mentioned this already?!

Okay, back to work, then bed, so I can get up early and check out the mansion and wedding grounds and gardens next door jog. Have you seen this place? It’s amazing! I should live here…Amazon and UPS already thinks I do. And there’s the same sign on the wall in my room here as there is in my bedroom at home. It’s a sign. I’m moving in.

This same exact sign hangs over my bed at home. It’s a sign. I mean a philosophical one. Clearly it’s an actual sign lol.

I now officially look like one of those crazy people obsessed with steps and goals. I’m here at the airport and my flight is delayed (it’s Newark, really this isn’t a surprise…) and pacing in front of my luggage because it’s almost noon and I’m not even halfway to my steps goal. Eeps! 

Yup I’m taking this seriously! And all this time on a plane and sitting around means I need to get those steps in wherever I can. Including pacing back and forth in front off luggage waiting for my now delayed aircraft to land so we can board. I blame Fitbit. Which I suppose is a good thing considering normally I’d be nose deep in a book by now. But I suppose I can do that on the plane. So back to walking/pacing like a looney around my luggage. Gotta get those steps in! Let’s see how I fare this week because we all know Nashville has amazing food and whiskey. Whiskey!!! Mmmmmm. 

I’m gonna need a lot of steps to make up for this. At least we rented a house so if it’s too hot to walk and jog outside I can do sets up and down the stairs. As long as my business companions don’t think I’m too crazy. 

Eh, who am I kidding, they already know I’m crazy! Okay enough typing and back to walking. Have a Fitbit? Friend me this way I feel less alone in my crazy! 

CJMillar82 now go! Keep moving!   

Note the distinct lack of plane at my gate. Kinda makes boarding difficult.

This blog started back in fall of 2013 when I unexpectedly got laid off of work. I was let go just after returning from vacation and Labor Day weekend with nothing. Literally nothing. Just SURPRISE! Sorry but we don’t have enough work for you. I saw the writing on the wall because I’m not stupid and they are bad liars, but it sucked nonetheless. Nothing like going on vacation and coming back to….more vacation, just the unpaid type.

But hey, up until that point, it was income, right? Wrong. I mean right it was income, but was it really worth it? Was it worth the stress, the long hours, the constant running?

And that’s when I realized within hours of losing winning my way out of this relationship, I was all sorts of busy from former clients, friends, coworkers, and people across my vast digital network. There’s a reason I’ve stayed connected with nearly every client I’ve ever worked with in the 15+ years I’ve been in this industry.

That, my friends is called business integrity, and it most certainly does not require a paddle. It does, however, require a conscience, a sense of humility, and a desire to work better/do more rather than be better/own more. There’s a difference there. It’s the difference between loving what you do, and loving the money you make. I far prefer to be in the former category, even if it seems I’ve misjudged some people over the years. If you have to preach to me about your business ethics, chances are you have none. For yo see, ethics and integrity are some of the things that just speak for themselves. 😉

Happy #FreedomFriday! Sometimes to find freedom, you’ve got to stop and get off at the next exit, even when it feels like it may be the wrong one, or you may be lost, or you really have no idea whatsoever where you’re going. And sometimes the only way to freedom is being able to say goodbye to those toxic things in your life and move on. Because it’s really not about how much money you have, it’s about how much you love your life, and my stress level in the past 2 years has dropped so much, it’s amazing.

I no longer work on Fridays, because I said so. I tend to run errands during the day, hike or ride my horses in the mornings, and then work the normal night-owl hours that come naturally to me. I don’t miss deadlines, I have a roster of happy clients, and a team of amazing people I work with every day. I choose who I work with and for, because I learned life’s too short to work with assholes, or waste time in a career or job or company or situation you hate. So change that shit, now! Really. I’m telling you, it’s totally worth it.

What’s your road to freedom? You know, I really have to thank that former employer (and ALL my former employers) for showing me the exit ramp I’ve been looking for all along – you know, the one that led to working for myself. And for that, I thank you!

So what’s your next move? Ready? GO!