That’s what I’m doing right now. I don’t know if it’s normal or not, or just makes me weird, but I’ve always done it. Had conversations with myself. They’re not out loud, they’re in my head but I can hear the thoughts clear as if they were spoken much the same way I often hear thoughts of others, as if they were spoken in that person’s native voice. I realize this probably makes me sound crazy. I’ve been called as much for years, my whole life actually. But I’ve also realized that I am never going to heal from this if I don’t drop my guard, let go of the constant strive towards perfection, disallowing any mistakes from myself or more aptly, living from a place of fear of getting in trouble.

Ever since I was a child, I was terrified of getting in trouble. I’m not a rule-breaker by nature, and the more I’ve matured, the more it seems my outward confidence has grown but that little girl inside of me is more terrified than ever of getting in trouble. I suppose that makes so much of what I’m dealing with outright ironic these days, but also in humor there is healing.

I’ve withdrawn a lot. For a lot of reasons. But mostly because I’ve let go of the energy and need to explain myself over and over and over again. The constant justifying of who I am, verifying what I am worth, clarifying what I mean, and being so careful to not step on anyone’s toes and not get in trouble for anything, that I had frozen in place.

There are many things in this world that are frightening. Most of all, the state of stagnation and the absence of growth nearly as much as the fear of change. I’ve been stuck somewhere between those that I’ve dug myself a hole and buried over the pain of the past in the forced positivity of looking forward and being a beacon of hope to everyone around me that I didn’t realize I had turned into the lighthouse getting beat on by all of those waves.

I needed this. But I’ve been struggling too, a lot, and it comes in waves. Sometimes it’s right there like you expect it like high tide at the beach in summer. Other times it hits from behind out of nowhere like a cross-wave diagonal to shore. It doesn’t look big at all but it knocks you down and takes the wind right out of your sails and next thing you know you’re coming up behind the break with a mouthful of water spewing and coughing like the devil himself just tried to down you. Maybe he did. Or maybe it was the shock of the wave. And the realization that all this time you had been trying to drown yourself but you’re learning that it doesn’t have to be that way. And so you stand up, spit out the rest of the salt water from your lungs and catch the next wave to shore. You’ve got a life to go after.

A friend told me to go outside and look at the moon tonight. It’s huge, and bright, and pink, and rising. He didn’t know if I would be able to see it from where I lived, but I live at 2300’ elevation at the near highest point on my mountain, and assured him if I couldn’t yet, I would soon and so I went outside and was treated to absolutely spectacular views.

Through the trees and the mountain’s haze after the sudden rain shower that blew through a short while ago – and had been blowing through on and off all day, and all month to be honest – a pink glow hovered between the branches and the horizon just barely rising above the mountain’s treeline in the distance. I put on boots (everything is wet here these days) and decided to take the garbage out and go for a stroll. I thought about grabbing the dogs, but Reese is still recovering from surgery and we’re working on repairing the other leg with the intention of bypassing the need for a second one, and so I opted to leave them napping in the house since she already did her workout for rehab earlier this morning.

As I went past the neighbors, the moon still was low over the high mountain, not yet into view above their pond and so I continued, thinking that a little further down the backside of my road, I’d get to the other neighbor’s vast open field that looks across towards the valley. I hadn’t made it much farther than the first neighbors, however, when I heard something off in the woods. A snort and a scuffle. Deer. Fortunately. Perhaps leaving the dogs and walking quietly at dusk wasn’t the best idea, so I made some noise and reconsidered going the additional quarter of a mile along the woods and creek there, as I know our resident bear must be somewhere nearby this time of year. All the wild berries are starting to burst, and they’re a favorite of his.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to go much further. There was a break in the trees. A small one, but just enough to frame the pink moon in all her splendor, the sun’s dusky glow still echoing across the clouds with pastel light that complimented the nearly full moon’s pink illumination. I took a breath. I took a photo. I sighed.

How blessed am I to be here?

As I turned around, smiling, walking back to my home on the hill, I noticed the lightning bugs finally emerging from their winter hideaways. Surely they were happy for the respite from the rain and slightly warmer temperatures this evening even though the air was still heavy with humidity. They flickered, mostly in the dense wet grass, but a few in the trees across the way, signaling that summer, while maybe not fully here thanks to weather disruptions, was still on her way. Mother Nature has a way of making herself known even in life’s subtleties such as the soft glow of dusk, the snort of an unseen deer in the forest, fireflies in the grass, and the bellowing of bullfrogs along the overfull swales.

As I turned around, the earthy hues of the sunset danced just along the far horizon, offering a view rivaling that of the moon. Hanging peach and lavender swaths of sky between the v of trees headed down the other side of the road to the valley, the sun just out of sight, it reminded me that even when you are out of sight, your light can still shine. Sometimes, the most powerful messages are the ones we say in silence, painted in Nature, breathed into the Earth around us, ignited by the Sun, and reflected by the Moon.

Life looks different these days. Softer. More beautiful. More life. More love. Abundance resounds, from the lush grasses growing in fields and forests on my own property in places that never have before, to flower beds bearing fruit – fresh wild strawberries that until just the other day, have never so much as flowered. And not just a few, plentiful ones, ripe and ruby red, sweet like nature’s candy. The yard is overflowing with flowers getting ready to turn into wild blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries. The bear will be by to try some, I am sure, though all the fencing has been rehung, and then some, with updated electric chargers to keep the horses in, and the deer and bear, out.

The fox kits from last fall should be on their own now. The coyotes have been quiet. Bartholomule is happy with his new friend, and the others are relaxing peacefully munching grass and hay, happy for a break from the biting flies that have also been abundant this year. I’m riding again. Not that I ever really stopped, per se, but I rarely did so. It seemed I never had or made the time, but I do now and I remember why it means so much to me, and why it is something I always come back to when I need to find myself. Duke is getting older and grey. Cole is as sweet as ever. And the kid is fitting in nicely, with a promise of future that we look forward to, together.

I am sitting on my porch swing as I write this, waiting for the moon to make her appearance over my tree-line, without venturing down the road again. I’ve worked from this swing in the past, but haven’t this year due to all the rain and the bugs, and it’s lovely to be sitting here, relaxing, thinking, reconnecting, breathing. Simple being.

Astrid is mad she’s not allowed out, but we all know she’ll go out gallivanting under the nearly full moon, and not come in until well after midnight. Possibly with something in her mouth. Definitely wanting to burrow under the covers and snuggle, and even more definitely disrupting everyone’s sleep in the process, most of all mine. And I’ll allow her to do it and smile at her because that’s what she does and she makes me smile. She makes all of us smile. But tonight she’s inside, and me and the dogs will be in shortly as well, too, ready for bed and another day of abundance tomorrow.

It’s appropriate that I am sitting under the Strawberry Moon, alongside the wild strawberries that I just found around my front flowerbeds yesterday and have been snacking on since then. The moon will have lifted herself up over the rest of the trees shortly, and we will have a clear view from my bedroom and its beautiful front-facing windows, which I will leave open for both the fresh night air and to bask in the strawberry moonlight.

I am sure I will be out here tomorrow. Perhaps I’ll find a reason to stay up until the Strawberry Moon peaks. And perhaps not. But either way, tomorrow is supposed to be clear day and night, offering abundant sunshine and moonlight throughout and I know I will be here. This is home.

I rip. I curse. I shred. I go hard or not at all. I am everything or I’m your nothing and then get TF outta the way. I drive a truck (diesel, straight piped, obviously). I drive a tractor. I drive a Kia. I have a quiver of Never Summers and rebuilt knees. I have broken bones and a broken body stitched and stapled and screwed back together and I don’t care. It doesn’t slow me down for a minute.

You can die slowly or you can die living and I plan to live every. single. moment.

All of them.

Every single one.

Keep up. I dare you. I’d love that actually, but at 48 on my near half century of this life on this planet and I’ll tell you, I’m amazed. I’m in the best shape of my life. Riding more and faster and harder than I did even before my knee surgeries, even before my very first one at 16. And maybe I’m not running slalom and GS and Super G on skis these days, but I’m still #standingsideways hard carving on some of the best boards made in America, fast and real and loving every second.

Maybe I’ve never made it out west (yet). Maybe I didn’t grow up in a ski family. Maybe I’ve always been doing this on my own, from skis to snowboards to life and everything else in between.

But before you go talking shit about me, my life, and how I live, have you ever stopped to think about it? That maybe I like it? Because you know what? I fucking love it! I am in my glory these days and every day. It’s Feb 14th and 90% of my entirety of work for the month is done. I get to play in the snow almost daily. Winter is better than ever – and has always been my favorite season.

Would I like someone to share this with? Oh hell yeah! But will I settle for someone just because it’s company? Oh fuck no. Not fragile like a flower. But also not fragile like a bomb. I’m explosive. Know the difference. Get on board or get out of my way.

I am me. Wholly, completely, unapologetically me. 💯. Take it or leave it, makes no difference to me. I don’t change who I am for anyone but me, and only then it’s to become better, because I learned better, and now I will do better. Like racing tonight. Let’s get it! Let’s fucking GO!

Who’s in? I don’t need a partner in crime, or someone to do this with me. I’ll do it myself anyway. I’ve always been the only true winter lover in my entire family and I’m good with that. What are you waiting for? I wait for no one. I forge my own path. Actually everyone in my family does and that’s part of what makes us all so amazing in our own unique ways. Hell yeah. I’d love you to join me. Please do. I’m right here.

Just remember, I’m not all rough and tumble tomboy. I’m still sugar and spice. Adjust your crown, and put on those sparkly stilettos and break out that “Legaly Blonde” circa early 2000s pink feather purse and speak at a wedding (really…tomorrow). I have blue sparkly nails that match my snowboard and dyed my hair to match too (I did)! And I have a collection of cowboy boots and converse to rival my collection of stilettos and I’ll walk miles as easily in any of those as I’ll ride miles down a mountain on any of my boards.

I can’t wait to meet you. Or find you. Or come find me. In the meantime, I’ll be right here taking runs down the mountain texting my girls and my boys with all the smiles and all the love in the world. My life wants for nothing, my Valentine’s Day is always full. I guess that’s part of why I’m perpetually single – I am already so happy and so blessed. Join me if you have the courage to add to it, and grow, and truly LIVE while we go on and change the whole god damned world!

I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Beauty and intelligence comes in many forms, and all shapes and sizes  and colors and ages of people. It’s when we stop to interpret them for the body they are in that we begin to see them through the filter of our own experiences and lose sight of the soul within.

The past few months have been transformative. I’ve met, connected, and reconnected with people form all walks of life and learned so much. A few incredible teenagers brought out the best in me by helping me see that I am valued. They’ve included me in their important life events, called out to me to join them on the chairlift, introduced me to even younger children who look up to them, and it all makes me smile. Like the Lion King, it’s all part of the circle of life.

There are still the “others,” but, it would seem like the Pulitzer Prize-winning halftime lyricist pointed out in a message lost on most, the “others” are not the same as us. And not in the obvious ways you may think – because in many ways they may look like us, or be similar to us, but at their core there is a difference. Not their color or looks or how they choose to spend their time. Remove the filter of your own judgement for a moment. What do you see? It’s not that they look different, it’s that their soul is different. Or, rather, disconnected.

When a soul and a body are disconnected, it’s a horrible thing to experience. It’s horrible to live through it because in the moment, in that time when you are disconnected, your trauma has taken over you and you can’t even feel the way you should feel emotions. It’s like you’re almost devoid of them. But worse, your ego keeps making poor choices out of desperation from disconnection from your soul. But it’s a catch 22. The worse choices you make, the worse your situation becomes and so the cycle perpetuates. It takes a strong person to break that cycle, and a strong support system around them.

Sometimes that support comes in the form of a wake up call – a near miss, a too-close for-comfort call, a rock bottom or nightmare-come-true kind of feeling or happening. Sometimes that comes with the help of others around you who scream at you and shake you, build guardrails and barriers to keep you safe, and even step back and get you help when what you need is more than they can offer.

Sometimes, though, that cycle is broken in the darkness of a cold winter night, clouds covering the soon-to-be full moon. Or perhaps it finds you on the mountain chasing snowflakes and carving runs. Or maybe, around the fire pit out back laughing with friends. Or, even when someone you barely know calls out to you and says hey! Great to see you! Let’s hang for a while. Or I’m honored you’re using my photo in your blog (thank you! 💙).

It’s in those moments that life feels a little less alone. Not lonely – at least not for me anyway. I need my alone time as much as I need time with friends but for the most part I am a loner and prefer to travel alone, driving myself to / from wherever I am going, the only passengers in my car are my 3 snowboards. It’s freedom, and it’s good and I love it. And I love company too. And sharing life with people I am starting to see without a filter. Through to their soul. Letting go of the ones that wrap themselves in filters disconnected from their souls. Letting them judge me without it ever orbiting my circle because I know their judgement is about them, they’re just too afraid to look in the mirror and say it to their face.

And its welcoming with open arms friends new and old, family who reminded me today, “blood’s thicker than water,” and friends who are family who also always have my back, even when they don’t know what’s going on in my head.

I’ll get there. One day at a time. I’ll share more and open up about where I am in the present mindset, and stop trying to pre-write the future from reruns of my past on binge in my brain. For now? Right now I’m happy to just sit here and soak it all in. Unfiltered.

It’s funny, I have a bunch of draft posts in here ranging from partially to mostly written, and I haven’t bothered to share them. I know the truth and reality, and the people closest to me also know. I’d venture a guess anyone involved also knows the truth even if they are not truthful people by nurture or nature but that’s not any of my business and certainly not my problem or responsibility. And as such, I’ve spent the start of 2025 living up to every single one of my commitments to myself.

Some may say that’s easier said than done, but it’s really just a matter of personal responsibility, integrity, and being as honest to yourself as you claim to be (and in that case then therefore are) to everyone else. In that context, it’s easy because it’s just who you are, and that is exactly who I am.

I’ve been reveling in all the amazing things that keep happening to me, from working just a handful of hours for the same pay, to new opportunities around almost every corner, networking challenges becoming successes, past burdens turning into freedoms, and a circle of colleagues and friends that I am proud to call family.

And family. There’s that, isn’t there…and I have to say the second half of 2024 and onwards has been the best I have ever had with mine! Time with my brother and his fiancée and my two nephews filled with smiles and laughs. Time with my sister and her now-husband in person all the way from New Zealand. A better relationship with my mother. And for the first time in over a decade, me and my siblings together on the mainland, and together for the first time since Nov 2019 in Hawaii which feels like a lifetime ago. In many ways, it was.

Today I took myself out on a date. It was amazing! I saw Mufasa a few weeks ago with one of my best friends at the local (and very nice) Hurleyville Performing Arts Center and it was incredible, but just a few minutes in I realized it was cinematography that would absolutely be worth seeing in IMAX 3D (we saw it in regular 2D). We planned on going next weekend when we all go to iFly because the IMAX in Palisades is the largest in the region but when I went to book tickets yesterday it became apparent that this week was the last week Mufasa was in IMAX, and the only place it was still in IMAX 3D was in Albany at 2:30 Wed and Thurs, and Thurs I had a networking event at 5. No way I could do both in the same day.

My New Year’s resolution to myself was to stop working 60h work weeks for free, so I spent some time reviewing budgets and spreadsheets, client info, and so on and let the team know that I’d be working the hours I was paid, plus several additional hours to support the agency together at events and networking. However, since I have always said I hate sales, and I’ve spent several years pushing a rather large boulder uphill without help to close almost no sales (we had a few that for operational reasons couldn’t continue as long as we all had hoped), I needed to change. This was the year to stop playing Indiana Jones dodging boulders that I had pushed partway uphill to find that there was no where to go but to get burnt out. I stopped. Between that and a few other spectacular life changes, suddenly I had time to be ME again!

The me that loves to hike, ride horses, snowboard, explore new towns and areas and restaurants with friends who also like the outdoors and adventures. No tie downs to worry about who was okay or not, how was everyone else doing mentally / financially / emotionally. It was time to take care of me.

On a whim, I bought a ticket to see Mufasa in IMAX 3D over 2h away at 2:30 in the afternoon in the middle of the week. And I went. I made great coffee, a Yeti of tea, and filled a thermos of tea for the drive home and yes, they all stayed hot. I am still drinking the tea from the thermos I made at 11AM in my Yeti right now at 8pm! I drove backroads and highways and blasted music and called no one and sang loudly (and often I’m sure badly) in the car. I had amazing tacos and a spicy margarita. I got a second and poured it into a to-go cup and snuck it into the theater. I ordered popcorn and put on my 3D glasses as I sank into my perfect seat smack in the middle of the IMAX theater that had just a few other people there and watched the previews.

GUYS THEY ARE MAKING A LIVE ACTION + CGI HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON SPECIFICALLY FOR IMAX 3D! I got so excited I took a photo of the screen and texted my friends. (No flash, I am not that asshole! Also there were only two other people in there at that point for the previews.)

And then Mufasa started. I watched in wonder from the opening credits til the very end even though I had already seen it and knew the plot. The 4k clarity was unreal. The 3D made it literally come off the screen. And the IMAX experience was absolutely worth it! I was not just watching, I was experiencing all of it in away that was awe-inspiring but also actually inspirational in and of itself. It made me want to go out and do more stuff that most people would call crazy. Stuff like driving 2h each way by myself for some tacos and a movie.

Hiking in 20º on the Shawangunk Ridge on a windy day for over 2h. Going out with the dogs for 3 miles in 15º. Going new places. Meeting new people. Trying new things.

You see, life IS what you make of it. If you’re feeling stuck, MOVE! If you’re feeling down, DO something. If you’re feeling bored, CREATE something. Read. Learn. Experience. LIVE!

I didn’t realize just how much I hadn’t been living and instead had just been supporting others and helping them see what was inside them. Like Rafiki says to Mufasa, you are so good at seeing in others that which you cannot see in yourself and realized I have been guilty for a very long time of the very same thing.

It’s okay, I see it now. And it feels amazing to be back to life and really living! Who’s riding dragons with me next? Let’s go!

It’s amazing the things I know. Notice. Understand. I’m getting better at sitting with discomfort and managing my anxiety and expectations with ownership and without avoidance even when the latter feels easier. I know it is not. At least not in the long run. Choosing to face your weaknesses and uncomfortable parts of yourself only makes you stronger, but you must first learn to sit with things in silence. And then after silence comes the understanding. Then the acceptance, the ability to see a new path, a better way, and how to make a positive difference. In yourself and those around you.

Then you begin to notice. The little things. The small changes. The behavior patterns emerge. The minutiae tells a story but you can only hear it if there is silence in your head and peace in your heart.

Intonations in text messages even though they’re just words on a screen. Mannerisms in speech, body language, and in all that’s left unsaid. The silences, comfortable and un. The spaces in between. And the nothings that have been said, but haven’t needed to be spoken.

There is so much beauty in silence. Leaving you to wonder if the nothing that’s been said is even about you.

I sat up last night around a campfire looking up at a starlit sky through the trees and felt the winds change. They always do this time of year – change is coming – but on the night preceding the new moon, they danced among the leaves and some, still green with summer’s sun, drifted down from the highest treetops and floated above us down to the fire. The night told of magic in the softness of the fire crackling, the laughter of friends, the air amongst the trees, and the branches gently swaying tempting the wind chimes to sing if even just so slightly. And I thought, “how lucky am I?”

Luck doesn’t have all that much to do with it, really. Hard work, self work, playtime and downtime all do though. And I’ve had a lot of the first two, and a ton of the second, and just a touch of the last but it’s bringing things all together.

Tonight over dinner I laughed with my companion that between the two of us, we probably knew more about people than they did about themselves. We said it was lucky we were good people and didn’t use it against them, but many others would. Truth is luck has nothing to do with that, either and everything to do with who we are.

I have said this a million times – I am who I say I am – because it’s true. It was then, it is now, and it will still be true years from now because I have nothing to hide. I also don’t share other people’s business but I also won’t hide the truth if someone asks it of me and it’s a situation in which I am involved, and still then I will only speak my truth for it’s the only one I know for certain. Don’t ask me for other people’s answers. Ask them yourself. Just because they may be comfortable enough to share with me, does not give me permission to share their story with others. If it’s my story you want, look no further than to simply ask me and I’ll tell you. Even the battle scars and, even more importantly, the ones I gave to myself.

It’s my freedom. My truth. It’s also magic. Knowing and noticing are the path to finding your own magic. It can start with a belief, but you have to act on that belief and believe in yourself and take the first step otherwise you’ll never get anywhere.

Hope is a powerful thing. Hope is not a strategy.

– Tim Tebow (really!)

I heard Tim Tebow speak at the tourism conference I was at this past week and of all the things he said (he really impressed me, he’s a good guy and a great speaker with a huge heart), that quote is what stuck with me the most. It applies to everything. Business. Personal life. Goals. Sports. Everything. Hope is not a strategy. Hope is a good thing to have, and it is incredibly powerful. But without action, you will never get anywhere.

If you want something different, you have to first DO something differently, and then become something different otherwise you will just keep ending up right back where you started.

That wasn’t a Tim quote (neither was the first one). I could say it’s one of mine but really becoming something different is a variation of many things I’ve heard said before. You can’t expect anything in life to be different – relationships, family, work, or most importantly your views of yourself – if you keep doing the same thing. Saying you’ll change or saying you’ll do better or be better doesn’t matter until you actually start taking the steps to actually do the things to make it a reality. Words can cut like a knife, or build hope, but just like hope isn’t a strategy, words are not an action.

I looked up at the new moon sky tonight with nothing but stars and a few trees and, as I turned to go inside and climb into bed I saw a single, huge shooting star. It wasn’t like any regular shooting star that streaks across the sky in a brief flash and fades. No, this one was different than any I’ve seen before (and I saw more than 12 in an hour one night earlier this summer!). It was larger than most, and it sparkled with little fragments of light breaking off like a sparkler lit up in a far-away galaxy being waved across the night, and it shared its light with the sky around it. Magic.

I woke up smiling this morning, without a hint of anxiety or even the suggestion of stress and I laughed out loud. I scrolled through Instagram, seeing what friends were up to, nodded at some memes, laughed at some cats, and giggled still at others. Then I got up and fed the animals, made myself a fruit & protein shake, a large iced coffee, and started to brew a fresh pot to start chilling in the fridge for tomorrow and Monday. I let Shelly sleep in – she’s been under a lot of stress lately and puts a lot of pressure on herself while wrestling with imposter syndrome and I know how draining that can be. I deal with that too. But not this morning.

Having the house quiet with nothing but the breeze enticing the wind chimes into a quiet song while the fans hum and the dogs nap nearby as the cats lounge inside and out, is bliss. Getting a jump on the week with a healthy start, and a fresh pot of coffee cooling down so it can chill means the next few mornings will be easier too. Sometimes it’s the simple things that help keep my mania at bay, and let me see that I actually do set myself up for success in so many ways. And I’m learning to be kinder to myself too.

I put away the laundry this morning after letting it sit, clean in the bin in my bedroom for three days and that was lovely also. To be able to let something go, not have to do everything all the time completely before I am allowed even a moment to rest, is huge for me. I’ve been working on that this week. I worked on it as I moved hay and back-bladed some of the tractor ruts in the field, and smiled at the grass growing in the pastures reminding me that hard work does pay off. But you have to stop to enjoy it too. I watered the garden. My roses are in full bloom and I have two rose bushes now – a deep pink one and a brighter pink one and they are next to each other and they make me smile. Stopping to smell the roses is literally a thing I do on the way in or out of my front door lately and I am better for it. Sometimes you just have to slow down, and learn how to say enough, and take a deep breath and let it all go and be happy.

I am so happy today, it’s beautiful. Not a frantic manic inspired running around happy. Content. Still. At peace. It’s something I need to do more of so I plan on sitting in the hammock reading a book for a little while until I get too warm and decide to get in the pool for a bit. I may get in the hot tub after (or before – depending on how hot it is out as the hot tub is turned down to 96º but that’s still a bit much in a heat wave). Later I’ll go meet a friend I haven’t seen since last fall up at a local bar about 30min north that I don’t get to go to nearly enough (don’t worry, I only drink a few PBRs and lots of water and drink very very slowly…I’ve been known to bring my own Yeti to bars so I can drink as slowly as I like without my beer getting warm. I hate warm beer. I digress.).

Tomorrow I’ll meet a dear friend who is always there for me, at Do Good Spirits, another place I don’t go to nearly enough that is owned by another friend and has a lovely atmosphere. And then if the Yankees game is still on (and they’ve remembered how to play baseball) I’ll head over to my usual spot for Sunday sports and be home before 9, coffee already made for the week ahead.

I’d say tomorrow is a new day, but it’s today. It’s already here. And I’m smiling.

Just like the song, and I’m sitting here under a full moon blanketed in the soft glow of fog that settles high among the mountains, and I’m left wondering what’s next. I’ve been through so much, but I’m sure there’s so much more to come and I’m left looking at the sky asking if this is hell or just high water, as if I didn’t already know the answer.

Childhood abandonment issues repeat themselves in my own life, as well as those around me, leaving me questioning myself – is it really me, am I really that undeserving of love, or is it something else? I am reminded that through it all, I’ve grown and continually push myself to do so, and clearly while at times this feels like hell, it’s anything but. Therefore it must just be high water.

As my aunt always said, this too shall pass.

It will, and I know that now, but it’s hard at times to be abandoned by nearly everyone you trust and to then look at others and even know how to begin to let someone else in. When you open you heart and your life which has been mostly solitary at best, to others – in a way beyond comprehension during a pandemic to take in responsibilities that are not yours, and not your fault, I’m left asking myself why? Especially when one of those people is the very same who turns their back on you time and again even when you do ask for help, and then you realize. You are that person who always is taken for granted.

Suddenly I remember why every few years I tend to move, or disappear, or both. And then some.

When I trust you, and am there for you, and ask you how you are and if you’d like to spend time together to be told over and over and over again you’re busy, life is hard, you worked late again, you have things to do – all you do is remind me that your priority is not me. Sure, I can run your household, your company, your everything, your safety net, I am just not important enough to set time aside to spend with on a personal level…I used to say I’m sorry, I’ll try harder, I’ll do more. But you know what? Fuck you. No.

I won’t. I’m not here to be taken for granted to run the house / company / team / life you’re building, I will not be the only person dedicated 100% to us while you go off in other directions and can’t even make time to pick up the phone and say hey, how are you? I miss you, I love you, I care and I want to hear how your day was.

You know who I tell my day to? My cat and my dogs – Astrid and Reese and Meeko. The other ones care too, but let’s be real, this already sounds crazy enough without bringing the other cats or horses into it . And, yet again, I don’t care. I care about who shows up for me when I need you and right now there’s less than four people on the list. I’ll be honest, if you’re not sure if it’s you, it’s not so don’t worry. You’re off the hook and whatever else that means to you.

And then there’s so many people who came out of the woodwork from no fucking where this week to say hey – in case you don’t know this, you’re awesome, I care about you, you’re amazing, you’re caring and you have a huge heart. And I am checking in to see if you’re okay.

Thank you. Truth be told, I am not okay, but I will be. And I’ll always be honest, but this week was hard as fuck, harder than most, and somehow no one died or freaked out but it was still super fucking isolated and hard and I am not sure if I am okay yet or when I will be, but I know I will be, and I thank you guys for checking in on me and telling me you care. I don’t think you know how much it helped, but it did. It made a world of difference and I thank you and I will never take any of you for granted even when the people I have tried to help always do.

The moon is covered fully yet in fog like a light trying to shine but shrouded in the night’s secrets. I have no secrets, only the weight of the world – or perhaps just my world – coupled with the thick wet summer air and heavy night’s dew weighing in on me as the solstice wanes and the moon ducks behind a cloud for cover.

Life is what it is. When no one wonders where you are, or asks how you are doing, do you call it freedom or loneliness? I call it both. I miss Deadwood. A life on the road, with no roots, no ties, and no love lost or found. I wish for more, but wonder why all the lives I’ve known I’ve always chosen to be alone. Perhaps it’s me. Perhaps it’s better this way – or so I I tell myself. I know damn well it’s better than settling for mediocre or shallow or superficial, and I would choose alone a thousand lifetimes over any inauthentic bullshit relationship I’ve ever had this life. To be clear, I am not just talking about dating either –  I mean kids, friends, boyfriends, family – step up or step out, be good or be gone. I’d far rather be alone than settle for half-assed, disrespect, a dirty home or a superficial relationship.

Fuck you for being afraid. Failure doesn’t scare me – I’ve failed a million times at a million things and I’ll keep failing because it’s through our failures that we learn. Fuck you for wanting me to be perfect. Wanting you to be perfect. And pushing me away in the process, I hope you know what you lost, what you are losing, and just how much it takes to earn that back.

I am loyal to a fault, and I told my kids I’ll always fight for you but only if you want me to. The second you throw me away is the same moment I walk away from this, from you, from all of it, from family and friends and relationships. You see life taught me nothing if not that we’re all replaceable, and I – of all people – can live on my own if need be. I am a survivor. Trust is earned and priceless and once broken, hardly replaceable. My boundaries and my words match my actions always, so do not pretend to be surprised when I am exactly who I say I am always.

I will leave you for my own peace. No one has ever protected my peace but me. I will hold my boundaries. No one has ever held them for me. I am who I say I am. Just like the moon – fog or not, it is still full and it still shines, as will I. Always take me for granted all you want, but like the moon, I will still hang low in the fog in the sky over the mountains. Enchanting you or haunting you, but always reminding you I am there. You can take the moon for granted but it will always rise, some days brighter than others, some nights full and some barely visible if at all. But there nonetheless. And, like the moon, even when taken for granted, I will keep going, keep rising, and keep shining. Take me for granted all you want. You can still shine in the light I shared with you, even when you claim it is your own, for we all know you are not the sun and there is light from many sources. Perhaps the ones that have aways risen even through your darkness shouldn’t be the ones you turn your back on in morning.

Find your way. I hope you do. I’m finally finding mine.

And is it really that sweet? Does it do for you what it says it does or is it just like the cherry on top – looks good for decoration but doesn’t really add much after all? That’s something we can only answer for ourselves.

I’m not that sugar on top, or that little bit of sweetness to soften the truths you hide from yourself. I’m finding that you can actually fit 10 pounds of sugar in a 5 pound bag if you have a little water and let some of that excess you’re piling on top of yourself dissolve and run off, leaving you with exactly the right amount of space for all the important things you always meant to focus on first.

Boundaries. Love. Respect. Honesty. Truth. Authenticity. Life. Passion. Belief. Excitement.

LIVE. I mean really though. Live!

I’m not that glass of whiskey that helps you forget. I’m everything the opposite – and more. I’m that dose of reality that sees who you are behind your eyes and the stories you tell, who sees right into your soul in a way that makes you both uncomfortable and excited at the same time. I’m that nagging truth that you already know but are afraid to accept because you’re too afraid to truly look yourself raw in the mirror and have a heart to heart conversation with the person staring back at you. I’m that stark reality that sets in when the reality of your actions and those that follow hit you in the face and you realize not only the mistakes you’ve made, but how far you’ve come along the way too, and you are simultaneously terrified and proud of who you are, and you look ahead in wide-eyed wonder at the world as if everything you’ve already seen, you’re seeing again for the very first time with fresh eyes and wonder.

I’m that person that seeps into your bones, haunting your soul or inspiring your dreams, or a little of both all depending on how you see me. I’m a little of all of that and more, and while I can see beyond the here and now, I can also see clearly enough to hold space for you to be who you are and take your own path to growth or change or even in choosing stagnation without making it any bit personal because it never was about me, anyway. It’s about you. It always has been. That’s the beauty of things – it’s always been about you, and you, and you, and me, and each of us ourselves on our own journey at our own pace on whatever roads we choose. There’s no use in getting mad at any of that. If anything it’s all the more reason to look upon those who have grown ahead of us with admiration and respect, and look at those behind us with compassion and love, and to even look at ourselves and allow us the grace we so willingly give to others.

I am who I am, make no mistake about that. And I’ll tell you and anyone else who asks the truth about me – all of them – if they really want to listen. It doesn’t bother me if you judge me, for that’s not a reflection of me but rather of you and where you stand with yourself in this life right here and right now and I hope you can see that as the first door opening in the pathway to amazing that lies right in front of you. But you can only see it if you believe in yourself. I can’t do that for you, you have to do that for yourself and I can’t help. I can only do that for myself, and do my best to inspire you along the way from whatever distance is needed at whatever point time mandates based on each and every one of our own journeys this life. We all do have our own, after all. Where and how our paths intersect isn’t only up to us, though we do get say in it too.

Life is amazing, and there’s so much more yet to come! I am so deeply grateful to share it with you. ❤️

Stay honest, be authentic, and always speak your truth and everything else falls into place. It’s so beautiful to watch because as it all unfolds, it gets easier and easier to see, and even easier to keep smiling. Hard work really does pay off, it seems. So does following your true north, holding your boundaries, and not settling (anymore) for anything less than you deserve.

I had a fabulous dinner with amazing company this evening on the heels of a beautifully productive and successful day, filled with intelligent conversation, belly-laughs, ear-to-ear smiles, and comfort that comes from just being yourselves. And I realized something. Life’s actually getting easier. It’s like all that darkness and all that digging and all that work I did for so many years has lead me along on this evolution where every day the person I am is better than who I was the day before. Oh, I’m human, and a jack-ass of one at that at times for sure, I make mistakes and I do the wrong thing or slip up from time to time. I still overthink things, wake up with anxiety, and need to exercise my body to settle my brain before I can focus and really get my day going. I’m difficult and outspoken, I rarely if ever do what I’m told, I question everything and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll find it or figure it out. I’m a lot, I know that much. Too much for most. But I think that’s a good thing.

Because as I sit here and ponder the past 5 months, and the past year, and the past few years before that, I pause and think, and my reaction is to sigh with a smile. I feel all that weight I carried just let go, and understand now the importance of the process. The lesson isn’t arriving at your destination. The lesson is the journey to become who you really are.

I am becoming. We all are. We always are, that is if we let ourselves grow. We can’t if we live in a place of fear or hide from ourselves. But we all have the potential within us to become the most amazing version of ourselves and for the first time in my life, I am so beautifully close to understanding how to keep growing myself, while holding love and space for those around me without adding the weight of expectations – mine or others – to myself or others, and man, does it feel good.

So close. So beautifully close. I can’t wait to see what’s next!
Stay beautiful, my friends, I love you all ❤️