Just like the song, and I’m sitting here under a full moon blanketed in the soft glow of fog that settles high among the mountains, and I’m left wondering what’s next. I’ve been through so much, but I’m sure there’s so much more to come and I’m left looking at the sky asking if this is hell or just high water, as if I didn’t already know the answer.

Childhood abandonment issues repeat themselves in my own life, as well as those around me, leaving me questioning myself – is it really me, am I really that undeserving of love, or is it something else? I am reminded that through it all, I’ve grown and continually push myself to do so, and clearly while at times this feels like hell, it’s anything but. Therefore it must just be high water.

As my aunt always said, this too shall pass.

It will, and I know that now, but it’s hard at times to be abandoned by nearly everyone you trust and to then look at others and even know how to begin to let someone else in. When you open you heart and your life which has been mostly solitary at best, to others – in a way beyond comprehension during a pandemic to take in responsibilities that are not yours, and not your fault, I’m left asking myself why? Especially when one of those people is the very same who turns their back on you time and again even when you do ask for help, and then you realize. You are that person who always is taken for granted.

Suddenly I remember why every few years I tend to move, or disappear, or both. And then some.

When I trust you, and am there for you, and ask you how you are and if you’d like to spend time together to be told over and over and over again you’re busy, life is hard, you worked late again, you have things to do – all you do is remind me that your priority is not me. Sure, I can run your household, your company, your everything, your safety net, I am just not important enough to set time aside to spend with on a personal level…I used to say I’m sorry, I’ll try harder, I’ll do more. But you know what? Fuck you. No.

I won’t. I’m not here to be taken for granted to run the house / company / team / life you’re building, I will not be the only person dedicated 100% to us while you go off in other directions and can’t even make time to pick up the phone and say hey, how are you? I miss you, I love you, I care and I want to hear how your day was.

You know who I tell my day to? My cat and my dogs – Astrid and Reese and Meeko. The other ones care too, but let’s be real, this already sounds crazy enough without bringing the other cats or horses into it . And, yet again, I don’t care. I care about who shows up for me when I need you and right now there’s less than four people on the list. I’ll be honest, if you’re not sure if it’s you, it’s not so don’t worry. You’re off the hook and whatever else that means to you.

And then there’s so many people who came out of the woodwork from no fucking where this week to say hey – in case you don’t know this, you’re awesome, I care about you, you’re amazing, you’re caring and you have a huge heart. And I am checking in to see if you’re okay.

Thank you. Truth be told, I am not okay, but I will be. And I’ll always be honest, but this week was hard as fuck, harder than most, and somehow no one died or freaked out but it was still super fucking isolated and hard and I am not sure if I am okay yet or when I will be, but I know I will be, and I thank you guys for checking in on me and telling me you care. I don’t think you know how much it helped, but it did. It made a world of difference and I thank you and I will never take any of you for granted even when the people I have tried to help always do.

The moon is covered fully yet in fog like a light trying to shine but shrouded in the night’s secrets. I have no secrets, only the weight of the world – or perhaps just my world – coupled with the thick wet summer air and heavy night’s dew weighing in on me as the solstice wanes and the moon ducks behind a cloud for cover.

Life is what it is. When no one wonders where you are, or asks how you are doing, do you call it freedom or loneliness? I call it both. I miss Deadwood. A life on the road, with no roots, no ties, and no love lost or found. I wish for more, but wonder why all the lives I’ve known I’ve always chosen to be alone. Perhaps it’s me. Perhaps it’s better this way – or so I I tell myself. I know damn well it’s better than settling for mediocre or shallow or superficial, and I would choose alone a thousand lifetimes over any inauthentic bullshit relationship I’ve ever had this life. To be clear, I am not just talking about dating either –  I mean kids, friends, boyfriends, family – step up or step out, be good or be gone. I’d far rather be alone than settle for half-assed, disrespect, a dirty home or a superficial relationship.

Fuck you for being afraid. Failure doesn’t scare me – I’ve failed a million times at a million things and I’ll keep failing because it’s through our failures that we learn. Fuck you for wanting me to be perfect. Wanting you to be perfect. And pushing me away in the process, I hope you know what you lost, what you are losing, and just how much it takes to earn that back.

I am loyal to a fault, and I told my kids I’ll always fight for you but only if you want me to. The second you throw me away is the same moment I walk away from this, from you, from all of it, from family and friends and relationships. You see life taught me nothing if not that we’re all replaceable, and I – of all people – can live on my own if need be. I am a survivor. Trust is earned and priceless and once broken, hardly replaceable. My boundaries and my words match my actions always, so do not pretend to be surprised when I am exactly who I say I am always.

I will leave you for my own peace. No one has ever protected my peace but me. I will hold my boundaries. No one has ever held them for me. I am who I say I am. Just like the moon – fog or not, it is still full and it still shines, as will I. Always take me for granted all you want, but like the moon, I will still hang low in the fog in the sky over the mountains. Enchanting you or haunting you, but always reminding you I am there. You can take the moon for granted but it will always rise, some days brighter than others, some nights full and some barely visible if at all. But there nonetheless. And, like the moon, even when taken for granted, I will keep going, keep rising, and keep shining. Take me for granted all you want. You can still shine in the light I shared with you, even when you claim it is your own, for we all know you are not the sun and there is light from many sources. Perhaps the ones that have aways risen even through your darkness shouldn’t be the ones you turn your back on in morning.

Find your way. I hope you do. I’m finally finding mine.