I give up. After a bit of a dry spell (I’m really picky, honest), I decided I’d give it a shot and reactivate my Ok Cupid profile and see what’s out there. I mean hey, I live in a rural area that’s somewhat remote and it’s not like there’s tons of successful eligible bachelors near me. Sure there’s bachelors, some have kids by multiple baby mama’s, others are missing teeth, and others have no job and still live at home with mom – well into their 30s!  I am sure you can understand why I’ve chosen to pass on much of the local crowd. 

With all you hear about how many people find their “true love” (gag) online, how bad could it really be? There certainly wasn’t a plethora of eligible, single, unencumbered yet gainfully employed men in my area. So I reactivated my account.

Within minutes I was chatted up by someone who seemed relatively normal, had a dog, loved the outdoors, and even split wood and had a wood stove, like me. Wait, what? Someone normal? We exchange numbers and day 1 is fine. Day 2 is going okay. Not too many texts, but decent convo. Then evening rolls around and it’s like once sundown comes, the freaks come out to play. Here come the fun questions!  I shit you not – these are all real things asked by people I met via Ok Cupid this past week. Enjoy, laugh, choke on your milk (why the fuck are you drinking milk? Go get some Jack Daniels like a real adult, will you?), go ahead. It’s okay. I totally understand.

Random guy: Is that a pink log splitter you have there? 
Me: It’s red.

Random guy: What kind of chainsaw do you have?
Me (what I wanted to say): That’s your idea of a pickup line? Really?
Me (what I actually said): The kind that cuts wood…
Random guy: Wise ass.
Me: Ask a stupid question…

True Story

Random guy: What’s your favorite body part on a guy?
Me (what I wanted to say): Oh, penises of course, because clearly I’m just out to meet guys because I love giving BJs more than anything else in the world…
Me (what else I wanted to say): Is this a “how much of a whore can I meet on an online dating site” test?
Me (what I finally actually said): Are you fucking serious?!
Random guy: Eyes, smile, you know…
Me (what I very nearly almost said): Brain. Because you clearly don’t have one.
Me (what I actually said): Brain, because it’s where the personality comes from.

Random guy: What’s your favorite color?
Me (what I wanted to say): Are we in the 3rd grade? Can I share your crayons after recess? Pretty please?

Random guy: Hi love ur eyes care to chat
Me (in my head): Oh hey spelling and sentences are totally optional. As long as you have the IQ of mayonnaise, we can totally date screw. It’s okay, I have no standards, and your line about my eyes really struck me as honest and caring and sincere.

Random guy: how are you aren’t you the prettiest lil girl
Me (in my head): oh thanks, do you wanna be my daddy-o?

And the list goes on. I may just stay on there for fodder for my blog because come on, really! I can’t believe people say this shit and actually end up getting dates! Maybe that’s my problem, I’m going about this all wrong. What with being relatively normal and all. Hey, I did say relatively. Let’s keep that in perspective.

My friend (you know who you are!) wants me to join FarmersOnly.com because I live on and own a farm. Have you seen those commercials? Really? But hey we may do it because we’re bored and I bet that would give me enough bad online pickup lines to write about for years! 

My take on FarmersOnly.com. Thanks, but I’ll pass!