In case you haven’t heard live under a rock, it’s going to storm in the northeast tomorrow and the midwest is already getting pounded. Storm models vary from a few inches, to 6″-10″ or more, and potentially ice/sleet/freezing rain mixed in or on top making for especially fun driving conditions. So of course I made sure to run out today so that I am prepared for being snowed in. Since I’m clearly the responsible one here, I figured I’d share my list with you so that you can also be prepared.

This Pubic Service Announcement is brought to you by Life Without A Paddle: Winter Storm Preparedness Advisory

  1. Bring in wood to heat the house (assuming you have a wood stove like I do). Otherwise, be sure your oil/propane tank is full. If you have electric heat, be prepared to spend a fortune and a half, or just freeze. I stuck to bringing in wood for the stove.
  2. Go to store to get necessities. Necessities include wine and whiskey. Presently I’m sampling two kinds of whiskey to review which are more of the breakfast whiskey type. Or dessert whiskey. I prefer them with breakfast and coffee. But I digress. I’ll post that blog tomorrow morning when I’ve resorted to drinking with my morning coffee to make the weather outlook appear less bleak.
  3. Forget salt, cat litter, eggs, milk, or bread. Who really needs this stuff¬†anyway? You can always toss the cats outside to pee in the snow with the dogs. I mean it’s only fair. Why do the dogs have to go outside but the cats get to have an indoor bathroom? ¬†Pish posh, time to be fair to the dogs and make the cats man up. Salt is just for if you’re planning on shoveling your walkways, which with nearly a foot of snow is not in the plans. Have you met me? If only they’d invent super-salt that would make shoveling obsolete. Can someone get on that already, please? And who needs eggs, milk, and bread, when you have the three W’s covered. Wood, wine, and whiskey. Save your money for after the storm when you can actually make it out to the bars and drink in public to celebrate the survival of Snowpocalypse. Come on now, let’s be conservative with our spending. It’s gong to be Snowmageddon out there.

  4. Attempt yoga to loosen up screamingly mad back from lame attempt at shoveling yesterday’s half-frozen crusty snow to prepare for tomorrow’s storm coupled with massive amounts of wood being brought in via wheelbarrow and loaded/unloaded/stacked by hand. Perhaps alternative heating methods aren’t all they are cracked up to be.
  5. Reevaluate life choices.
  6. Laugh at shovel next to front door as your back post-yoga is just as mad at you as it was pre-yoga.
  7. Burn self on wood stove for millionth time.
  8. Open wine.
  9. Pour wine in glass.
  10. Say fuck it, chug glass, and proceed to drinking right out of the bottle.
  11. Save whiskey for breakfast when you wake up and again question your life choices.
  12. Survive storm.

Yay! You did it! All you have to do is follow my easy guide and you will survive the storm no problem. Oh wait, I forgot a step…lucky #13. Check forecast and see a storm 3x the size of current storm in the form of a massive Nor’easter is heading directly for you aimed to dump snow from Saturday to Monday. Understand the need for breakfast whiskey, and surrender to Mother Nature’s latest wrath.

Happy winter!