Welcome to who I really am. Yes, this is me. Good luck finding anyone else like me because they don’t exist and I don’t say that to be different, it’s because I am different. It’s just that simple. And at the same time that complicated.
I do things for people because I care, not because I expect a reaction or am even looking for one. When I do something nice for someone, it’s just that straightforward – I care, and I don’t expect anything in return. Actually, people doing things for me is still uncomfortable for me because a part of me still believes I don’t deserve it, but I am learning along the way too.
Just know that those roses mean something because if they make you smile, that makes me happy. If talking to you or face timing you makes you smile, it makes me smile, too. I am trying to get better at opening up and letting people see me and even more so – trusting them to at least acknowledge me and tell me how they feel. Putting yourself out there to be left wondering is hard. It hurts. Silence hurts. Not knowing leaves everyone wondering, most of all me. And I still feel like an imposter most days. A fake celebrity because of my job where everyone wants to “know me” but no one actually wants to take the time to really know me.
Be real. Be you. Even the stuff you think is hurtful that you think I don’t want to hear, I actually want to hear. Not because it may hurt – I am used to being hurt and I’ve lived through far worse, trust me on that – but because you being real and sharing who you really are matters more to me in your genuine authenticity than hearing the words you think I want to hear.
I don’t want that. I don’t want any of it. I only want the real. The truth. The hard stuff. The good stuff. The bad stuff. The shit I do that drives you crazy. The shit you hate. The shit that matters. The shit that makes you crazy. The stuff that inspires you to be a better person. The stuff that makes you laugh. Let’s do it all together.
Or not. And if not, know that I’ll still be your cheerleader and hope for the best for you. I will always want you to eat, even if it’s not at my table. I still care, and I can still care from a distance and hold boundaries, and know that even if we don’t work out that I still wish all the best for you. I don’t have to be in your life to wish that, I don’t even have to know who you are or what you are doing these days. I just need to know that you are truly happy.
Do you know what I want? I want someone to be a partner and a teammate, a partner in crime to laugh with and start trouble with. Someone to break rules with, and make new rules with together and to break the god damned mold with. I am different and I will always be different and I know that’s too much for most people, but that’s not enough for me. I want more – so much more. I want someone who pushes me, who challenges me, who inspires me and even scares me when I am afraid to open up, myself. I want someone to offer me the safety I’ve never had in my life where it’s okay to be truly me with someone who calls me out for being rough around the edges needing sanding and polish. And someone who wants to push me to grow, be better for my kids and myself, while also being accountable to myself. I don’t want “good enough.” I want amazing. Mind blowing. Unreal because it’s so real most people are so uncomfortable with that level if honesty they wither. Only I won’t wither in that, I’ll grow and I hope you do too.
Don’t take my word for it – I don’t want to tell you anything. I want to show you but in order to do that you need to show up first. In the words of my favorite bottle caps (yes, really all of these were on bottle caps) –
the answer is inside you. the weight is not as heavy as you think. stop looking and you’ll find it. be here now.
Be. Here. Now.
Stop holding your breath. Stop holding back. Stop waiting for the time to be right.
Do something. Now. Before I’m gone. I’m really good at getting gone – whether that’s from around the corner, around the country, or around the world – when I get gone I get gone for good. When I move on, I move forward and in moving forward, there is no room for ghosts of my past.
I care about you, but I care about a future and a life filled with honesty and excitement and passion and inspiration and wishing on stars more than I care about pining for what could have been if only you weren’t so afraid of moving forward or taking a leap of faith. This isn’t a trap. I don’t believe in traps. I don’t want anyone – even my kids – to be with me because they feel obligated. I give everyone the freedom to fly. I want to fly, too. So what’s holding you back? Fear? Like Peter Pan said, with a little bit of pixie dust, you just have to believe in yourself and you can fly.
What is it worth to hold on to that fear? I am afraid I am not lovable, too. I am afraid I am not good enough, too. Or that I am too much, too passionate, too rowdy, too tomboyish, too girly, too pushy, too outspoken, too everything. But you know what? And I’ll probably question this tomorrow, but right now I don’t care. I’ll be whatever you label me as, but right now I am one thousand percent me. Love it or lose it. Tell me, or know that I’ll go. I’m already halfway gone but I’m still listening. Just know when I stop listening to you, it means I’ve moved on. And I can still care about you, but I am no one’s second string saxophone. Truth be told, I was the youngest kid to make jazz band in middle and high school, and yes I still have that saxophone, and god damn it yes I can still play. I told you, keep showing me who you really are and I’ll keep surprising you in more ways than you ever imagined.
Just know this. This is me. There is no ulterior motive. There is no game. I don’t play poker (ever – I hate it as much as I hate chess). There is no your move/ my move. There is no winning or losing, Just life. Real. Honest. Raw. True. Me.
This is me. All of me. And there’s so much more you haven’t even met yet but that would take lifetimes to discover. And I keep telling you I’m right here. That doesn’t mean I’m holding my breath. Just like I tell you all the time – breathe. One day at a time. Just don’t lose what you believe in because fear got in your way.
This. This is me. Hello.