I just need to get through April. That’s what I keep saying. It’s always a long month, with little time at home and a lot to do on the farm sandwiched between back to back business trips. So much time being “on” with clients, business associates, and friends – while a very good thing and I love the time I spend with all of them – with no downtime in between drains me. I go right from trip to farm work (spring maintenance and such) and back on the road all the while needing to maintain all of my work and clients. My stress level is off the rails and it seems like all of these little things keep adding up in between these two big things of work travel. And between everything I’ve already accomplished and everything I have to do before I am on the road again, I’m barely eating or sleeping lately.
So here I am, after an incredibly long, hard, and painful day feeling overwhelmed. Exhausted. Accomplished – yes I accomplished a ton. In pain. Frustrated. Tired. And so much more. But there’s one thing I’m not, and that’s feeling sorry for myself. Because I am not sorry. I’m eternally grateful for the life I have and the career that has taken me so many places and helped me make so many friends. I’m grateful that I get to travel, even when sometimes it’s a lot for one month. And I’m grateful that I also have this beautiful farm in the mountains to work on.
I take great pleasure from working outside. So much of what I do for my “day job” is in front of a computer or behind a phone that being outside is good for my soul. Accomplishing something physical and tangible also provides a great sense of confidence and independence that I revel in and appreciate. But April. April is always my hardest month. I just need to get through April.
So tonight I’m in sweats on my couch. I am unwinding watching my favorite dragon movie with a bottle of wine. My phone is on DND so that I can have a little break from the world and maybe, just maybe, tonight I can get some real sleep. Tomorrow may not necessarily be a better day, and actually more than likely it will be an extremely long one, but I know I’ll get through this.
Thank you, April, for being such a challenge of a month that you’re always reminding me that even when I think I am at my weakest, you are there to show me that I’m a whole lot stronger than I ever thought. I’m okay, and when this month is over, I’ll be a whole lot better than okay because tomorrow doesn’t have to always be a better day, but the tomorrow after that most certainly is. If I didn’t believe that, or if it was summer right now, there’s a good chance I’d already be halfway to my campsite in the Adirondacks with a horse in tow and no expectations beyond getting lost in the woods.
As it was, once I was finally done around the farm just before 5, I got in the truck and just drove. I wanted to drive away. Every fiber of my being this time of year tells me to run away, go somewhere else where no one can find me – the Adirondacks – the Atlantic – anywhere but here – but I find myself this year with far too much I love here to just run away, so I stay. Instead, I got in my truck and just drove around listening to music and taking in this dreary exhausting day wondering how I’ll get through this week, and then next, but at the same time knowing I always do and there’s so much more to come home to this year.
Life is good. Even when I stand here a mess of emotions that I can’t make sense of, with a little red wine, dreaming of anywhere else watching and wondering just how one learns how to talk to dragons, life is good. This life I’ve build now and where I am today I wouldn’t trade for the world. Not one ounce of it – not even the hard days – because they make all the good days that follow that much better and they make those great days amazing. Yes, life really is good.
Just know that I’ll be okay. I AM okay. I just needed some space and to realize that I never really wanted to run away. I’m going to shut down for a while, watch the second dragon movie, and go to sleep dreaming of befriending a dragon like Toothless who can help me soar to my highest heights, but also always brings me home. For it seems this time, I’ve got roots and I have no intentions of actually running away. Just flying…once I learn how to talk to dragons.
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