It’s Been A While

And so it has. So much has happened. I know I am really really good at my job, and I really love it. It’s taking off in a way I could have never imagined and I can’t tell you how amazing it is to work with all of your best friends and make a living that way. And there’s these two incredible kids that I get to live with that blow my mind every single day. Every day I learn something new. Sometimes it’s something about them. And other times I learn something about me. We’re all learning from each other even when in the moment (or day or week or month) it doesn’t feel that way. We still are. It’s there.

So much has changed.

Its’s been a while, and yet twice this week when I’ve missed you the most and needed you to remind me how we got through this when we were that age that I’ve stopped and looked up. And there you were. Twice. That instant. Another shooting star. Thank you, Jimmy. I still miss you every day.

I lost a lot of weight recently. And like, I mean a lot. I’m sorry, I know this is a total stream-of-consciousnessness a-la John Joyce style (ughhhhh gross I know! Who cares about the damn milk cow walking up the stupid road!). But I just need to spin out these thoughts so my mind will let my body get some sleep so please bear with me – thank you.

Anyway, I was saying, recently I’ve lost a lot of weight. I qualified for the lowest rate of life insurance – something less than 5% of the people qualify for – when a year ago I looked like this in Hawaii (ugh). I was uncomfortable in my own skin even when my brain reminded me how awesome I was. But I didn’t FEEL awesome. And I questioned everything – but most of all, myself.

This year brought on fresh challenges that none of us ever thought we’d face. Some were thrown at us, some were karma, and others still were our choices. But no matter how they got here, they got here. And the challenges keep on piling up. But you know what’s different? We’re all stronger for having lived through this. I am fitter and healthier than I’ve been since well, high school. That’s the last time I weighed this much, and if I can get a little more muscle, I’ll be in my high school weight AND fitness level At the age of 44. Yeah, that’s badass.

And you know what? I’d like to date again. Sure, I still worry I’m not good enough, or pretty enough or smart enough or all those other insecurities that between teaching me to be a great human being, my father also somehow simultaneously instilled in me. But I also know just how incredible I am. Even more so that I feel incredible and am comfortable in my own body. More comfortable than I was last time in my life that I as this weight because this time around, I have wisdom, too. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I realized, though, that the thought of me dating brings up fear in these kids. Fear of abandonment runs deep and it’s not just me that’s afraid of dating and getting ghosted (again – really, I had no idea grown “men” did that! LOL). I don’t know how to show them – how to show anyone really – that they are irreplaceable. Without exception. It would seem that I am not the only one that learned how to be fiercely independent while also completely terrified at the same time. And that makes me sad. I wish my insecurities on no one, and I know so many have had it far worse than me. But I also know that one man’s weight may be another man’s light as we are all different so I try not to judge. I am trying. I will get better.

And so, as Staind said, it’s been a while. Goodnight. Always believe.