these things take time. i know this. in trying to wrap my head around everything in my past while looking up and ahead to the future, i know all of this takes time to really process. i know that it’s really really hard for a lot of people right now. but i also started to realize why i have such issues forming relationships.
friends were always there for me. maybe not a ton in childhood or high school – i was an admittedly bad friend in those days, due in part to what i was dealing with at home. but no one ever had my back at home. perhaps that’s why i have spent so much of my adult life trying to truly find home. i bought my first house with a business partner and friend i thought i could trust, and got burned. my childhood was riddled with divisiveness. my parents never truly got along and argued incessantly – often over me. my father was abusive and my mother was a coward always the victim. my siblings and i were all told different stories and different versions of the truth so until adulthood, we were never close either. i guess growing up, i just never had any firsthand experience with what it was like to know – hey, i’ve got you. no matter what. i am right here. i’ll be with you every step of the way.
i spent high school and college chasing the wrong guys, looking for someone to be my hero, or save me from my family. bipolar disorder at its peak swallowed most of my twenties. in my thirties, i learned that i also needed to stop running from myself. and in my forties i finally learned how to be my own savior, my own hero, and decided to try to date again for the first time in over a decade and it went disastrously.
despite promises of open communication, and “we’re adults, if anything goes wrong, just promise you’ll talk to me and we can work it out together,” as he’d always tell me, ultimately he left. he ghosted me. because he was intimidated that after 40 years of living as a disaster, i had learned how to take care of myself and i didn’t NEED him. what he couldn’t wrap his head around was that i (thought i) wanted him (or his company and partnership).
isn’t that the whole point of relationships? being there for each other? i know that’s how my friendships have worked, and make no mistake, i am surrounded by some of the best friends in the whole god damned world. oh and my siblings are pretty fucking amazing, too (we started to piece together all the different stories and learn that we really are #strongertogether and have each other’s backs, for life). it’s a good feeling. but it’s not the same.
i don’t want someone because i need them. that’s not fair to anyone. we are all responsible for our own happiness. i am just so god damned tired of no one having my back, being here with me every step of the way, and i am even more mad at myself that i have no idea how to get that in my life. i grew up surrounded by dysfunctional disastrous toxic relationships that taught me you can only rely on you. anything after that is just gravy, but you learn to live without the gravy.
i will wait. i want that partner in life. not someone to do things for me or buy things for me or make my life easier. i don’t want someone to carry me, or pick me up, or follow me. i want someone to walk beside me. to have amazing adventures with. who is his own person. and admires my strength and can stand with me, not run from it or be intimidated or insulting about it. and i don’t know how to explain to my brain that i deserve that, because from everything i’ve learned in my life, my brain believes i do not. and that’s really really hard sometimes to comprehend. but it’s true.
i don’t know why this is coming up now. like suddenly my fucked up bipolar brain decided in the middle of several massive moves, including 10 horses, 8 cats, 2 dogs, 2 kids, myself, my childhood home, their childhood home, farm equipment, barns and more, my brain suddenly decided – “oh hey you know what you’re missing? a boyfriend. check that out – so many of your amazing friends have amazing partners. why are you so broken? let’s obsess about that and not sleep for a week, mmmk?” thanks. great convo, brain. thank you, bipolar, for always reminding me that my next anxiety attack or bout of tears followed by laughter and running off into the woods to hide for a while is just around the corner. awesome. wait, and i wonder why i am not in a relationship? these days it feels like i can barely take care of myself. i can, and i am. and i am taking care of so much else, too but sometimes it’s hard to see the forest through the trees and all that shit. *insert cheeky life clichés here*. good times.
i will wait. i will remind myself that it’s worth it the wait. that i am worth it. i am, right? because right now i’m not sure, and i am not even sure why i am typing this, but it’s the only thing my brain would let me do right now so here we are. waiting. and reminding myself to breathe.