I have two other posts sitting in here as drafts, but I’ll get to those in a minute. I’ve been listening to a lot of Mumford & Sons lately, in case you hadn’t noticed from the two most recent blog titles (the ones sitting in draft status are not though), not for any particular reason but simply because they happened to come up on my music recently and just seemed to fit. So I added them to my morning playlist, and this song came on and suddenly all the stuff that’s been swirling around in my head had something to say.
I also just realized how much you can tell about my mindset by how I write. I’ve been fragmented a lot recently, for reasons I’ve said before, so it would make sense that I start to write and then walk away to come back later, but sometimes don’t finish quite in order. Such as the two draft blogs I’ll finish later. But I also realized my last blog was written all in lowercase, which was something I used to do a lot, then I checked my other blogs and they’re written in normal sentence case. It’s interesting to me how the more self-aware I become, the more I am aware of what’s around me, and am able to absorb all the positive and let the negative slide away.
This week I sold my childhood home, lost one large client who was incredibly toxic, went to a family friend’s father’s funeral, and started the process of moving out of the farm I am renting. I also picked up a client we’ve pursued for years who is incredibly positive and enthusiastic and exciting, gotten incredibly fit, have the most amazing animals and people in my life. And am listening to my favorite playlist as I review a 9 page white paper I wrote for work earlier this week that also had been swirling around in my head for some time. It only took a few hours to write because like so much of what I write, it’s always written in my head first, it’s just a matter of getting it onto paper and helping it make sense for the rest of the world! So far I’ve gotten incredible feedback on that paper and I feel like I’ve been more productive at work in a truly meaningful way than I have been in a long time. I gotta tell ya, it feels great!
Last Thursday was the last time I set foot in my childhood home. I left a lot behind there in that house, a lot of memories, a lot of nightmares, and a lot of lessons and strength and growth and learning, and of course, there was positive too. I decided to let go of what was behind me and walk away. Take with me the good, learn from the bad, and close that door for good. It was cathartic and liberating, and I pulled out of my driveway for the last time in my life with my soul a thousand pounds lighter, and my face smiling up at the sky. I cried just now though, because the money from that sale just hit the Estate account and with that, that house’s door that I closed for the last time last week, opened the door to my future and everything that’s ahead. To my home. My forever home.
Sure, sure, there’s still a lot of accounts to settle, bills to pay, and things to get done. They always say as one door closes, another one opens. Lost a big toxic client, gained a big positive one. And so when I can’t sleep these days, I’ve taken to repeating these four things to myself as I close my eyes and remind my mind to allow myself to fall asleep.
My body is safe.
My spirit is strong.
My soul is thriving.
The universe is providing.
Reminding myself that I am safe, that I am strong, and making sure I am always reminding myself that the last two are present tense. Those things are happening. I am thriving and the universe is providing, every single day. You just have to keep looking up, and keep believing.
The more I work on myself and how I react to things around me, set my own expectations and focus on all of the positive things around me – and still to come – I can’t help but smile. The change is seismic, I can feel it, as if my soul is awake again after some long healing slumber. For the first time, the way I feel on the inside and the way I look on the outside match and it’s a true sense of authenticity that runs through to my core. I’ve always been an authentic person – falsities and fakeness make me ill – but even figuring out my metabolism and how to have my outer strength match my inner strength was enlightening and inspiring. It made me feel even more in control of my future, and able to let go and understand and most importantly accept when things don’t go as planned. And it’s a really empowering and comforting feeling. It’s also interesting because for the first time, I feel like I could actually possibly start to open myself up to sharing some of my life with someone else instead of just keeping those walls up forever. I’ll have new physical walls around me soon enough as it is, seems like I’ll finally feel at home and perhaps the old walls, just like that old door on my childhood home, can come down and close for the very last time. I said to my friend who’s been having an even bigger shit time of it lately than I have, earlier this week that she can lay down her sword, and straighten her crown. She’s not a warrior, she’s a queen. I, however, am and always have been, a warrior. Perhaps I’ll hang up my sword on one of those new walls, though I’ll always keep fighting for a better future and those I love. I have no desire to be a queen, ruler of anyone. No, thank you. Much like my namesake, Joan of Arc, I am a warrior. With a soul.
Here’s to what’s ahead – even if I can’t quite see it clearly just yet.