I cleaned today. There was a lot of dust bunnies in my house. A morgue’s worth of dead flies (welcome to the first freeze of the season…followed by a 65 degree day and all the flies coming inside to save themselves. Great. I killed them by the hundreds or it seems like it) and there are now lots of tiny fly corpses on the floor of my kitchen just in time for my friend to come visit for the first time ever. Talk about great first impressions – sure don’t mind my clean house minus the fly cemetery in the kitchen…great.

I’m watching Frozen, finally. And lately I’ve been busier and more manic than ever. It seems to hit on Mondays, and be at bay for a few days til the next Monday it’s back. It’s terrifying. The hold it has on me is debilitating. And it scares me that years into being “better” that I can still have days as scary and debilitating like this. I don’t know how to fix it.

Like I said I am watching Frozen, finally. I love winter. All of it. The cold, the snow, the winds, and the chaos. And I understand the idea of being alone. I live such a full life, but I have so few I identify with. And those that I can identify with often, sadly, bear the brunt of my insanity. The fact that I have friends that regularly stand by me through that is nothing short of amazing.

You see, can let it go. Today and tomorrow. But I am having a hard time changing who I am. I am manic. And I am afraid, and sometimes that means being afraid of myself. Or of my lack of cleaning skills. By the way, in the midst of cleaning today, I also found spider poop (did you know spiders poop!? they do, and it’s white and dots like bad white out drips, under their webs, and it’s gross), and a mummified frog. I’d like to forget all of the above. But I have a clean house, a full (empty) bottle of wine, and am watching Frozen. And I am trying to let it go. Let it all go. I am what I am, manic and all. I just try to be a better person every day.