Category: Shit My Brain Says

Eat the cheese. Drink the bourbon. Have a beer. Wear the good boots. Buy the hat. Speak your mind. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Walk with purpose. Live with integrity. Love all the things big and small with all your heart. Work hard but play harder and never ever take yourself so seriously that you forget to laugh at yourself. Be different. Be you. Who cares if it looks weird to others. Embrace who you are – all of you – and know that when you let yourself shine, you bring out the light in all those around you ❤️ #bedifferent #beauthentic #beyou #laugh #workhardplayharder #bepresent #behonest #bereal #lifeisbeautiful

I posted that on social earlier this week after a visit to the salon ahead of my next big business trip, followed by the purchase of an incredible hat (and a few other things too!), and a glass of Bulleit and a charcuterie board at one of my favorite places to go while working. The response was pretty amazing. The hat is a lot. It makes a statement for sure. But as someone said to me, “the hat doesn’t wear you, you wear the hat and you, my dear wear that hat well!” Someone else told me that I was an inspiration to others. Someone else told me to keep being me. And it continued.

The point? It made people smile. It made me smile. And while I was a bit self-conscious walking around Warwick and then into my kid’s high school game later that evening, I wore the hat and I smiled, and it continued to make others smile too. That’s real confidence. Not about how I look or what my outfit was, or even how much of a statement that hat made. It was about owning it. Owning my own presence in a way that wasn’t intimidating, wasn’t cocky, wasn’t rude or pushy, but in a way that just said, hey, this is me and I embrace all of it!

I wish more people would embrace their inner selves, allow who they really are to shine through. Some people spend years looking for themselves and some people find themselves out in the woods, in their reflection in the lake, on the top of a mountain, standing in the ocean, or simply sitting at home at peace with themselves. But other people spend lifetimes looking and never find themselves. That’s because usually they are looking for themselves in others, looking to be completed much the way Shel Silverstein’s Missing Piece keeps rolling along, looking for his missing piece and when he finds it he finds that sometimes being your own person is better, and that sometimes you can be yourself and still share your life with someone else. But when you keep looking for yourself in others, you’ll keep coming up empty. Happiness doesn’t come from other people and neither does confidence. Sure affection and admiration are great, but they aren’t what makes you YOU.

When you spend all of your time chasing something or someone just to avoid being alone – and I don’t mean being alone for an evening to binge watch a show while texting someone to keep you distracted from your own thoughts. No, I mean truly being alone – spending several hours out in the woods just wandering listening to the forest and sorting through all the thoughts in your head. I mean alone in the sense that you’re not afraid to sit alone with your thoughts, examine the good and the bad, the guilt and the shame, learn your triggers and work on healing those old wounds, that’s how you find yourself. And from there the path to happiness somehow seems to just simply *appear*. Ask me how I know.

There are things I have lived through in life that help me understand others, and that’s why I share my past. I understand abandonment issues because I’ve lived with that my entire life. From my childhood to losing my best friend at 18, my first (and only) long-term boyfriend cheating on me in my early 20s, becoming estranged from my father over and over and over again no matter how hard I tried, and so much more, that eventually I just forced myself to be alone so that I could learn what was wrong with me, after all, that everything I loved either left or died. Turns out, there was nothing wrong with me. There was everything wrong with how I looked at myself and that – that hiding, that running, that fear – permeated every piece of my being and as such, I attracted the same insecurities and fear and abandonment I held inside over and over and over again. Until recently when I learned how to say, enough. You had your second chance, and I deserve better. You deserve better, too but where you go from here is your choice. Going backwards to the past may be an option for you, but it never is for me. Not anymore.

I could have helped you if you let me. I could have helped you, too. And also you. But I’ve helped others, starting with the people I share my home with, and continuing to those select friends I can truly open my heart to, and who in turn do the same with me. We’ve helped each other. Pushed each other out of our comfort zones to breathe, think, and grow. Sometimes that’s something like getting back on a snowboard for the first time in 20+ years to help overcome the great losses that marred 2020-21. And other times it’s as simple as laughs around a campfire, or a night out to check out new places, meet new people. Or, even taking chances at going on a new first date, even when you’re terrified.

We’ve helped each other grow in so many ways. It’s why I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I say, “I love you,” to all of my friends when we hang up the phone. We never know what life has planned tomorrow, so cherish today, every day.

Earlier this week I had a friend tell me that I helped them open up for the first time really, in their entire life, because they were so used to speaking their mind and having people yell at them or leave or abandon them, and I was grateful that I was able to help. They told me it was because I was one of the few people they ever met that could understand some of their past experiences, but truth be told, as we open up about our pasts and our pains, we often find that a lot more people understand us and react from a place of love rather than a place of defensiveness than we’d expect. If you’re surrounding yourself with people who react to your thoughts and your feelings without love and empathy and compassion, you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people. But no matter, that’s your choice, not mine.

And in many cases, shining a light on people’s dark places within themselves is scary and some people won’t stay to do the work, or want you to be there to do it with them. You can be, if you are strong enough to do so, and so long as it’s not a one-way street. If you’re told their focus is on one person and one person only, and that person is not you, proceed with caution because what does that mean for you? You are not a focus? Or you are a secondary focus when they need understanding and support in the areas of their life that their chosen partner is unwilling or incapable of giving? Choose wisely, for life doesn’t have a do-over button, and some people will give multiple chances, but I am a woman of my word. I say what I do and I do what I say and my boundaries – which are different than walls, they are there for my own wellbeing and security, and are how I ensure that I am not taken advantage of or taken for granted, always operating from a place of love and integrity, always looking at things from the other people’s perspectives who may be involved in any given situation – are never negotiable.

We are all responsible for our own choices. I choose to respect myself and those around me, even when they have not been respectful towards me, because the only way this world is going to become a better place is if we all spend more time understanding and respecting each other than we do hiding from our fears, worst of all the fear of change.

Another great friend said to me, “I am sad for them that they had a real opportunity, and chose comfort and familiarity – even when it’s proven to be toxic, repeatedly, for years prior – over progress,” and that hit me hard. So many people choose comfort and familiarity. The devil we know…well what if the grass really IS greener? Only you have to actually weed it and fertilize it and water it and only then it will grow. Well, that sounds like more work than a dried out yard where you keep pouring water into it for nothing to come out but the same old dirt you had last time you tried. At least you know you’ll always have dirt. I don’t want dirt. I want grass. Life is hard. It’s hard to be in a toxic or unhappy situation. It’s sad to look at the same old dead yard wishing the grass would grow again. But it’s also hard to walk away from the yard you know, down the road to where the grass is greener because you know that needs tending to, you know you’re going to have to put in the effort, you know you’re going to have to roll up your sleeves and dig in to the really deep stuff because otherwise, you’ll be asked to leave that yard, too (if you haven’t been already).

It’s also interesting to me how when people are fragmented, struggling to find happiness within themselves and learn enough about their pasts and their hurts to grow and understand what they really want in life, how they also tend to be fragmented outward. Looking for the deep conversations they’ve never had in life is a huge, scary step forward. But, when the person you are looking for that from is different than the person you’ve chosen to build a life with, you become even more fragmented. If both paths were to move forward at the same time, the result is everyone gets hurt, and things crumble, the person in the middle tearing themselves apart finding that they are hiding themselves from themselves seeking comfort in one place, a life in another, friendship elsewhere, and always always finding something to do to keep their mind busy so they don’t have to deal with the things that lie within. I’ve been that person, more than once I am sad to admit, but it taught me a lot so I don’t regret it. I’ve learned boundaries because of it, and I’ve recently thanks to a very short-term relationship, been able to learn more about what I do and don’t want in a partner.

Want to hear it? Well, since this is my blog about my life, I’m sharing lol. Here goes.

I want someone to be a best friend to me first and foremost, and grow into everything else from there. Tonight we are going back to one of my favorite places where we went on our only date in that last relationship, because I’m starting over. I want someone to ask me on dates, take me out once in a while – nowhere fancy (though check out my IG, I do rock a ballgown, with an even better one to come end of Feb!), and it doesn’t need to be extravagant. Actually I prefer it not be. Down home country bar. Night out around a campfire. Dinner at the new place that just opened up to try it out. Meet up with friends for darts and pool. Go see another friend play live music. That.

I also want someone who loves snow as much as I do. Snowboarding / skiing, snowmobiling, snow tubing, snow shoeing, and hiking in the mountains. Sitting in the hot tub on a crisp winter day. Football Sundays. Baseball everyday. Simple pleasures of working on the fencing and projects around the house and farm together that are more bonding in the shared experience without the need for words all the time. Comfortable silences. Individual time for family and friends with a sense of independence and security. Coming together after a business trip with a huge hug that clearly says, “I missed you!” Saying, “I love you,” before you hang up the phone not because you’re in love (or anywhere near it, yet), but because you know that life is precious and that love doesn’t always mean romance or relationships, but also means I care about you and I’m glad you made it home safe.

Honesty, integrity, authenticity, openness, playfulness and excitement, passion for the things that makes life amazing, an adventurous spirit. Hunter, fisherman, outdoorsman, hiker, camper, and lover of mountains. The ocean is fun on occasion too. Trying new things, even when it scares either or both of us. A good heart, a willingness to talk through challenges and issues and arguments and never (well mostly not, sorry sometimes I do lose my cool I am human, but I am learning!) yelling at each other. Don’t go to bed mad, but don’t go to bed distant, either. Ask questions of each other so neither of you ever feel like you have to pry. Have nothing to hide. Here, look at my phone if you want…oh yeah I told my best friend you were being a douche canoe the other day bc you were. Sorry lol, glad we’re over it now! And laughing about when we call each other on bad behavior and then get over it together.

That’s building a connection. That takes time. I have time. I have all the time in the world. But I’d like to get started today so today, I’m taking a step forward. And I’ll take another step tomorrow, and another the day after that. And some days, I may take a step or even a few backwards, but I know it’s just a step and not a reverse. And I’ll give myself the grace to learn and be patient with myself and know that the next great thing is always found by going forward. I love you ❤️.

Snowflakes resting on trees as you come over the mountain.Your friend wearing your ridiculous orange gloves drinking a girly seltzer at his own brewery just to make you laugh. Your cat purring to greet you. Tired dogs after a fun-filled weekend. A bald eagle flying overhead at the start of your week. The people who show up to help you with your old beat-up tractor and push out round bales so you don’t have to do everything alone. Basketball games and cheer and Chinese for dinner together. A smile from a friend. A long embrace from the heart. A heart that’s full with happiness. A life you love to lead.

These are all beautiful things. So is having the chance to start over after a week – and month – riddled with challenges, miscommunications, overreactions, and grief. I saw a meme that said January was definitely a free trial month and that 2024 starts Feb 1. So I decided to move that start date back a few days, starting with this weekend and it feels amazing.

Clean slate. Starting over.

See? That’s another beautiful thing. That each day is a new day, a fresh start, and another chance to grow closer to those that you love. Those that you’re just getting to know. Those that are there for you. Those that won’t take no for an answer and keep showing up every day, even if it’s just from around the corner. Knowing you always have somewhere to go to, someone who is happy to see you, and even is there in your worst moments when you owe them an apology for falling apart – and they say that’s okay, you’re allowed to be a mess sometimes, and kiss your tears away. And make you laugh. And make you smile. And toast to the game with you because they know it made you happy. Group chats filled with laughter. Seeing friends old and new to make new memories together. Football food and fun together. Listening to you talk in circles even though they know you’re tying to be done but also know you will always, always follow your heart. And still holding on to the knowledge of the past but not letting it ruin your today or your tomorrows.

There are things worth holding onto, and I am so grateful to have that in my life. There are people who truly care, even when you feel at your most fragmented unlovable self. Another week together here, then back on a plane for another week down there this time hopefully with some sun, and then back north again with a visit to a lifelong friend, more basketball games and cheer and Chinese. And then heading even further north for a family vacation and winter carnival that shares happy pieces of your own childhood with the people you care about and love.

This. This is what life is made for. To see the beautiful things all around us even when the sun isn’t shining and even on the days you have to look a little bit harder, they’re still there. All of the beautiful things, all of the magic, all of the love.

Yes, let’s start over. I’d really like that. This is home and it is truly one of the most beautiful things.

There’s a freedom in honesty that can’t be found anywhere else, and it starts with being honest with yourself. My best horse was buried yesterday morning, and the freedom it brought was breathtaking.

I probably won’t publish this for a while, but no matter, I’m writing it now. I’m not quite ready to share it all with the world just yet, but I know there’s beauty in sharing struggles and love in showing vulnerability even when you are hurting because it helps others realize they are not alone. We are never alone.

That horse gave me wings. Twenty-two years together was the longest relationship of my adult lifetime and we had that together. He taught me how to fly, and together we flew. Over jumps, through fields, out in the hunt field, and even across the sand along the ocean. We chased the wind together, and I’d dare say we even caught it a few times. And he was there for me through the hard times, too. Moving from my first rental farm to my own, then again up north and once more to the home I own on my own which would be for him – and several before him – his final resting place. I’m so blessed to be able to give him that. He was there through my kids moving in, the death of their mother, the pandemic, the death of my father, the loss of my cousin, and the passing of a friend – all the latter in just the past 4 years. It’s been a lot, but he’s always been there to hear my fears, let me cry on his shoulder, snort and roll his eyes at me when he disagreed, and in that even then he was still able to help me fly.

I was hurting because I wasn’t here when he passed. I knew it was coming and had planned for the vet upon my return, but time and the Universe took that decision out of our hands and he passed of a stroke at home the day before I returned. It took a bit to work through that – that was the crux of my grief, I think. Not being here with him in his final moments. I lost Lucky like that too, when I was also states away unable to get back in time but they’re together now, with Bobby, my old college horse who taught me everything about horses, and about listening too.

But like all things, when we examine what we consider to be our failures, often we find growth in them and it was the same with this. It just took me a week, what with my friend nearly dying in front of me (she’s recovering with a heart issue thank goodness), and getting slammed from all sides questioning what was real and what was not. Who was being honest with me now – why was my mother in the ER again, was it another real or imagined ailment? Should I be worried? Should I stay or should I go? Trying to be there in all the places for all the things just fragmented me from myself and I’ll be honest – and this is hard to say. I lost myself for a while that week, I did. But, I know there is freedom in honesty and there is, so I am honest starting with myself.

There are things I could have done better, handled better, said better, but I’m giving myself the grace to understand that giving it my best every day is better than being perfect. It means I am giving myself the room to grow and become all that much more free. I don’t need to run away or disappear. I have mountains right here. I have love all around me. I have the best people and animals surrounding me, even if some of them are buried in the yard, I still have their memories to make me smile. To help me fly free.

There’s a freedom in honesty that can’t be found anywhere else, and it starts with being honest with yourself. That freedom is truly breathtaking, so fly free. To all those around me who speak with honesty and integrity, thank you. To all those around me who push me to always be the better person, thank you. To those who support me by letting me talk in circles understanding that is what I need to do to wrap my brain around things when I am struggling, thank you. To the horses that made me a better rider, and a better human being, thank you. To the animals who taught me compassion and understanding, commitment through suffering, and when it was time to stop suffering and let go, thank you. And to all of those moments, those glimmers where hope glistened on the ocean, where we chased the wind – and caught it, where my laughter over the sound of pounding hoofbeats galloping across the hillside jumping all the stone walls in our way, thank you. Life is such a beautiful thing. The Sky really is the Limit. Fly free.

Recently someone said I was very deep, and it was something they weren’t used to in life and it struck me as odd. Why is it that we live in a world where so many people prefer the shallows to swimming, always afraid to leave shore? What’s so scary about an adventure? Even if that adventure is finding yourself and someone to share this beautiful, crazy thing called life with. I mean sure, it’s scary to open up but every time I do and get burned, it teaches me that I can live through it and that’s truly powerful.

I can. I have. And I will again. And not everyone will have the courage to show the world who they really are, but that’s okay. Those people are the same people that don’t have the courage to even be honest with themselves and there’s no value in that.

It takes the uncomfortable spaces to find the comfortable ones. It takes the uncomfortable conversations to get to comfortable silences. It takes the uncomfortable honesty of looking yourself in the mirror and being truly honest with yourself to get to where you become surrounded by a love that values you to every fiber of your being. And you know what, I’ve done the work on myself, and I keep doing the work on myself every day. I’m not trying or trying to do, as I’ve heard others say. That’s the coward’s way out to explain away the failures. But why would you want to explain away the failures instead of just learning from them? Embrace them as much as you sit with your demons and talk to your skeletons to find out why they are still there, find out what hold they have on you, examine those failures not for how others have wronged you, but for how you have wronged yourself and then look yourself in the mirror and come up with a plan to like what you see, and eventually love the person you are too.

Failures mean we tried. Failing when we know we’ve done our best – even when our best was struggling knowing we gave everything we had to give every day is what matters. It’s how you get through the hard days, how you learn to move forward past the rough ones, it’s even how, as I am learning myself, you learn to give yourself grace for not being perfect and thank yourself for doing your best, even today. That’s something truly beautiful.

There is no “finding happiness.” Life doesn’t work that way. You create it. You choose it in the choices you make. The big ones and the small ones. The way you treat others, the way you treat yourself especially when you are alone. It’s the confidence you find not in how you look or how much money you make, or what car you drive. It’s the confidence you find from within because you know you acted with honesty and integrity coming from a place of love every single time.

But it also doesn’t mean letting the world swallow your boundaries. Knowing you give life everything every day, and you wish for better for others doesn’t mean that you also become someone’s option. If someone treats you as an option, simply remove that option by closing that door. Why welcome someone into your life on any level who is too afraid to match your level of honesty and openness? How can you believe someone who doesn’t even believe in themselves? How can someone ever be there for you on any level whatsoever if they don’t even show up for themselves every day? How sad an existence that must be, such a lonely place to live, when where you don’t even know who you are because you are too afraid of the shadows of your past that you’ve let them turn into ghosts that haunt you even when you are alone.

I know my skeletons. I’ll share them if you ask me to and I’ll always answer you honestly. I have no ghosts of my own, and the one I once shared a house with was a wonderful ghost who always put wood on the stove on cold winter nights so it wouldn’t go out (there are witnesses!). Nah, I have no time to scale walls or wonder who’s looking my way. It doesn’t matter now, because I’m not listening. I’m busy swimming in the ocean. It’s too far away from shore for you to reach when you’re afraid.

Oh and I know I said I wasn’t strong yesterday. I’m strong today. Thank you for that. You make me a better person. I love you ❤️

The ugliest parts of me are not the things I show to others. No, that’s not who I am. When the ugliest parts of me start to show themselves, I go find the wild and the snow on the top of a mountain anywhere but here. And if I can’t go there, I disappear right here. Or, I remove myself from the situation, wanting to be nobody’s burden and no one’s worry and so I leave until I can pull myself back together and breathe again. Be me again. Because this is not me, this is sad and ugly crying and gasping for air while it feels like the world is swallowing me whole and that’s nobody’s problem but mine and I don’t show that because I’m not pathetic and that’s pathetic and I’m stronger than that. Only today I wasn’t strong anymore and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry I didn’t do better. I’m sorry that I’m struggling right now and I’m sorry if you felt like you needed to carry some of that weight. And I keep reminding myself of what that bottle cap said years ago – the weight is not as heavy as you think. And I tell myself – you got this, because I do. And I’ve been through far worse, more than once, and I’ve lived through all of it. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

And you see? I’ll be stronger because of this, too once I get through it, even if I don’t feel very strong right now.

My shoulders are hunched and I still can’t feel my toes, likely more from stress than from the cold. The cold air helps me breathe sometimes when I’m choking on my own oxygen like a fish out of water only to realize that I was never out of water after all. I just needed to stop fighting the people who care about me long enough to see that I deserve to be loved, too.

Thank you for holding me tonight. For letting me be raw, real, terrified, overwhelmed, messy, and outright vulnerable. That’s scary for me. I’ve always hidden the ugliest parts of me from the world, I don’t ever want to add to anyone’s weight even if the weight is not as heavy as I think. It still feels really heavy to me right now and I’m struggling to breathe.

I will be okay, I promise. Sleep will eventually find me, as will grief – whatever happens to be left – and I’m sure a little bit of solitude on the top of a mountain wherever I can get away to whenever I can get away without notice, just to be me with the mountains and sky and no one, and really just let it all go. I can’t wait for my shoulders to drop, my feet to warm up, and my heart to soften again. Thank you for being there for my best horse. And thank you for being there for me. Even the ugliest parts of me. I promise you won’t see them again soon.

Welcome to who I really am. Yes, this is me. Good luck finding anyone else like me because they don’t exist and I don’t say that to be different, it’s because I am different. It’s just that simple. And at the same time that complicated.

I do things for people because I care, not because I expect a reaction or am even looking for one. When I do something nice for someone, it’s just that straightforward – I care, and I don’t expect anything in return. Actually, people doing things for me is still uncomfortable for me because a part of me still believes I don’t deserve it, but I am learning along the way too.

Just know that those roses mean something because if they make you smile, that makes me happy. If talking to you or face timing you makes you smile, it makes me smile, too. I am trying to get better at opening up and letting people see me and even more so – trusting them to at least acknowledge me and tell me how they feel. Putting yourself out there to be left wondering is hard. It hurts. Silence hurts. Not knowing leaves everyone wondering, most of all me. And I still feel like an imposter most days. A fake celebrity because of my job where everyone wants to “know me” but no one actually wants to take the time to really know me.

Be real. Be you. Even the stuff you think is hurtful that you think I don’t want to hear, I actually want to hear. Not because it may hurt – I am used to being hurt and I’ve lived through far worse, trust me on that – but because you being real and sharing who you really are matters more to me in your genuine authenticity than hearing the words you think I want to hear.

I don’t want that. I don’t want any of it. I only want the real. The truth. The hard stuff. The good stuff. The bad stuff. The shit I do that drives you crazy. The shit you hate. The shit that matters. The shit that makes you crazy. The stuff that inspires you to be a better person. The stuff that makes you laugh. Let’s do it all together.

Or not. And if not, know that I’ll still be your cheerleader and hope for the best for you. I will always want you to eat, even if it’s not at my table. I still care, and I can still care from a distance and hold boundaries, and know that even if we don’t work out that I still wish all the best for you. I don’t have to be in your life to wish that, I don’t even have to know who you are or what you are doing these days. I just need to know that you are truly happy.

Do you know what I want?  I want someone to be a partner and a teammate, a partner in crime to laugh with and start trouble with. Someone to break rules with, and make new rules with together and to break the god damned mold with. I am different and I will always be different and I know that’s too much for most people, but that’s not enough for me. I want more – so much more. I want someone who pushes me, who challenges me, who inspires me and even scares me when I am afraid to open up, myself. I want someone to offer me the safety I’ve never had in my life where it’s okay to be truly me with someone who calls me out for being rough around the edges needing sanding and polish. And someone who wants to push me to grow, be better for my kids and myself, while also being accountable to myself. I don’t want “good enough.” I want amazing. Mind blowing. Unreal because it’s so real most people are so uncomfortable with that level if honesty they wither. Only I won’t wither in that, I’ll grow and I hope you do too.

Don’t take my word for it – I don’t want to tell you anything. I want to show you but in order to do that you need to show up first. In the words of my favorite bottle caps (yes, really all of these were on bottle caps) –

the answer is inside you. the weight is not as heavy as you think. stop looking and you’ll find it. be here now.

Be. Here. Now.

Stop holding your breath. Stop holding back. Stop waiting for the time to be right.

Do something. Now. Before I’m gone. I’m really good at getting gone – whether that’s from around the corner, around the country, or around the world – when I get gone I get gone for good. When I move on, I move forward and in moving forward, there is no room for ghosts of my past.

I care about you, but I care about a future and a life filled with honesty and excitement and passion and inspiration and wishing on stars more than I care about pining for what could have been if only you weren’t so afraid of moving forward or taking a leap of faith. This isn’t a trap. I don’t believe in traps. I don’t want anyone – even my kids – to be with me because they feel obligated. I give everyone the freedom to fly. I want to fly, too. So what’s holding you back? Fear? Like Peter Pan said, with a little bit of pixie dust, you just have to believe in yourself and you can fly.

Fly.

What is it worth to hold on to that fear? I am afraid I am not lovable, too. I am afraid I am not good enough, too. Or that I am too much, too passionate, too rowdy, too tomboyish, too girly, too pushy, too outspoken, too everything. But you know what? And I’ll probably question this tomorrow, but right now I don’t care. I’ll be whatever you label me as, but right now I am one thousand percent me. Love it or lose it. Tell me, or know that I’ll go. I’m already halfway gone but I’m still listening. Just know when I stop listening to you, it means I’ve moved on. And I can still care about you, but I am no one’s second string saxophone. Truth be told, I was the youngest kid to make jazz band in middle and high school, and yes I still have that saxophone, and god damn it yes I can still play. I told you, keep showing me who you really are and I’ll keep surprising you in more ways than you ever imagined.

Just know this. This is me. There is no ulterior motive. There is no game. I don’t play poker (ever – I hate it as much as I hate chess). There is no your move/ my move. There is no winning or losing, Just life. Real. Honest. Raw. True. Me.

This is me. All of me. And there’s so much more you haven’t even met yet but that would take lifetimes to discover. And I keep telling you I’m right here. That doesn’t mean I’m holding my breath. Just like I tell you all the time – breathe. One day at a time. Just don’t lose what you believe in because fear got in your way.

This. This is me. Hello.

There are things I write in my journal that I don’t share with anyone else, but occasionally when I’m really struggling or feel like I need to make those words more powerful, I’ll share on here if it will help me move forward. I wrote both of these letters for myself, they are not about anyone else. I needed to give those words more meaning today and so I am typing them here. I don’t know if I will publish this, though I assume I eventually will otherwise I wouldn’t even bother typing this out. But right now, I’m not ready. Right now, I’m still confused. Right now, I’m still reminding myself that I am trustworthy and how to move forward and look up. Like all things in life, this too, is temporary.

I’ve always said everything I love either leaves or dies. I’m just finally standing still long enough to see that I deserve to be loved, too.

People can’t stay if you’re always pushing them away. Being afraid is okay, you just need to trust that those who love you will be there for you, and those who don’t weren’t meant to be in your life. Sometimes we all need time and space to find our our way and sometimes we realize how truly blessed we are with all the love in our lives.

Loving someone is easy. Allowing ourselves to be loved – and believing we are lovable and deserving of love in return is hard.
Even for me.
Especially for me.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the feelings that we forget to breathe. We forget to talk. We forget to trust others to love us for who we are.

Stand still. Listen. Ask. Be loved.
One day at a time.
11/5/23

I have what I want. Remember this. Go slow. Be open, but keep your eyes open. Talk. Speak your truth. But remember to listen, too. Listen not just to words, but to actions, intentions, and who people show you who they are. Not only who they are to you, but who they are to family, to friends, to those who rely on them, and those who love them. Listen to who they are to those who have wronged them, as well as those they have not been the best to, also.

Then look at yourself. Who you are. How you love those who are good to you, but who you are and how you act to those who aren’t good to you, too. Ask yourself the hard questions – the why’s and the how’s, and the what have you learned and how can you be better and grow.

Own your own shit, but realize you don’t have to do everything alone.
Say “please,” and “thank you,” and “I appreciate you.”
Make time for what matters and room in your heart for those who matter to you. Say, “I love you,” when you mean it, and never when you don’t. But don’t wait so long that you lose it.

Let yourself be loved in return. By family and friends. And learn to let someone in to truly love you – slowly, in the right ways, and the right time – so you can take down those walls and build a new foundation together.

Bury fear.
Abandon hate.
Be willing to trust, listen, & learn.
Be open to loving and being loved.

And believe that, one day at a time, things can be different so long as you’re willing to take a chance, open up, and let someone in.

The key to my heart, the key to my mind, and a penny for my/your thoughts may be three very different things. But together, they can be something completely different entirely. Together they can be amazing.
Together they can become something truly incredible.
12/26/23

Circles and feelings and things I am not used to. I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding both of those things that it would seem I’d know better by now, but I do not. If life has taught me anything over the years, it was that everything that you love either leaves you or dies. I don’t say this to be dramatic though I also suspect you don’t believe me and that’s okay. I wouldn’t believe me either if I didn’t live it, and even then I struggle with that anyway.

I started writing this over a month ago, and haven’t come back to it until now. Ironically, I sat back down at my computer to write, opened it up, and went to start a new post thinking of titling it Circles after the circles my brain has been running in lately to find that I already started these thoughts a month ago – I had just managed to somehow push them out of my mind until now.

Funny how things can feel so real and so not at the same time. Funny how three years later and whether I want to believe it or not, my brain reminds me in the back of my mind just how not long ago these circles were the place that I lived, all the time that year and the year after and then some. It’s a time I try to not go back to, a time I think I’ve put – and tried to leave – in the past yet this time every year for the three years now since, like clockwork it’s there. Even when I try to keep myself busy. Even when life keeps me busy with a packed schedule of practices and games and work and life and everything I’m trying to fit in into days that never seem to be quite long enough, or have enough daylight or time to get everything done.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the reason to not trust without wanting reassurance but perhaps needing it anyway. I haven’t cried (yet) this holiday season and hoping to make it through the first one in a while without those tears of frustration, anguish, mistrust in myself and in life around me, and finally moving beyond the near and far past that I keep saying belongs right there – in the past.

Trust is hard for me. I’ll tell you everything about me, what I’ve been through, what I’ve experienced. But telling you how I’m feeling is hard. Telling you my fears is hard. Letting myself really open up and trust is hard. More than that, it’s scary. Outright terrifying really. Though I know it shouldn’t be, it still is for me. I’m not quite sure how to move forward from that, but I know I’m trying. Maybe I should just say, hey, I’m struggling, I need some reassurance but somehow I don’t know how to quite put that into words. At least not for real. Because those words need to be followed up with feelings and intentions and all of that is hard. I just want to skip ahead to the part where everything is okay.

I’m not used to sharing my life with someone. It’s hard enough trying to figure out the holidays on my own, but for years it was what I was used to. Christmas Eve staying up late watching my favorite movies after coming home from seeing a few family members became a new tradition. Christmas Day on the farm often by myself with the animals became a comfort because it was a constant and something I could trust. I didn’t have to rely on or hope for anyone else to be there because I already knew they wouldn’t be and so therefore it was easy. It was me, and I knew where’d I’d be and what I’d be doing and ultimately there was comfort in that solitude that didn’t feel like being alone. It felt like being home and at peace.

But in the past several years, I learned that sharing space with loved ones isn’t a bad thing. It can be quite the opposite – a blessing and a comfort all its own. It brings a different kind of peace, and joys that aren’t the same when it’s just you, but different ones and in many ways better. I always want to share the good times in life with the people I love, and I always want to be there to help the ones I love through their hard times. I am just not sure how to let others be there for me and as such, I just tell everyone I am okay, I’m doing fine, things are good, and deal with whatever it is my head is running me in circles over in my own way. I don’t know that I want to do it that way anymore, but I also don’t know how else to be.

I’m struggling. I need help. A hug. Someone to tell me it’ll all be okay. I’m getting there. In another week or two this will also be in the past and I will be better. Back to my old self, but better. A new year, another path forward, another chance at growth. I’m always growing, always learning, always becoming more of who I am and always working to be better than who I was yesterday and who I am today. If nothing else, I can always promise that I am honest, I am trustworthy, and I’ll always speak my truth even when it’s hard. All you have to do is ask.

They say that teamwork makes the dream work and that’s been something that’s proven to be truer than ever around me these days in so many ways. The girls are playing in their sectional playoffs tomorrow after a winless season last year to go undefeated in their league this year. That didn’t happen without teamwork, and that teamwork came with hard work, but a lot more than that, too.

It took coaching and encouragement. It took communication – good and bad, easy and hard – that lead to improvements on how they work together. It took learning about each other. Their strengths and weaknesses as a team, as individuals, in each position, and what they can do together to make each other stronger. It was learning about the stuff they like and dislike, learning to speak up about what bothers them, and what makes them happy. It was also about learning to put personal differences aside for the greater good and, in the simplest of terms, scoring goals.

It’s not that different than life if you think about it and it amazes me how many people, even adults – no especially adults – can’t see beyond their immediate situation to see what’s really going on, what their goal really is, and how their actions impact more than anyone else around them, their own wellbeing. It screams to a lack of understanding of the long game, the ability to grow, and above all else what being a part of a team really is.

I guess in some cases, people don’t look at things that way and I’m well aware I look at things differently than most. But then again, I’ve lived a life different than most. I spent years single to learn about myself, what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, and learning how to rise above my past and be a better person not just for myself but for those around me. The better of a person I am, the better of a life I can offer to those I care about and the more positivity I can bring to the world and that’s something it definitely needs.

There’s something to be said for personal responsibility, self-awareness, and looking at every experience as a learning opportunity and a way to grow rather than something that happens to us that we need to overcome. Sure, we all have shit to overcome. These girls had a shit season last year to overcome and they did that with hard work and communication and dedication. Not by blaming each other for why they didn’t win, but working together to be better. Now that’s pretty cool to see.

I think what’s really interesting too is when you take a step back and remove immediate emotion from things, how you are able to truly and calmly understand what’s going on around you without the coloring of rose glasses or tinted windows or jaded dreams. Instead you can see the reality of the situation, understand with compassion, and realize that perhaps acting out in hurt or anger doesn’t actually benefit anyone and that it hurts the people you claim to care about and even more so, it destroys you, yourself.

I don’t really get mad or angry or yell. It used to really freak my kids out because it was the opposite of what they grew up with but when things went wrong especially as we’ve all grown together and closer, that we look at arguments as disagreements which are really opportunities to learn more about each other and talk through to a resolution. It doesn’t always mean agreeing, nor does it mean that we see eye to eye on everything or that things are always black and white or one of us is right and the other is wrong. It means freedom to make our own choices and the responsibility to accept our actions and the repurcussions, the knowledge that every action is a choice and even inaction is a choice and whatever happens to us is a direct response of what we allow in our lives. We write our own story. It’s up to us to choose what we want and what we will accept in our lives and up to you to be true to yourselves. Blaming someone else for the actions you accepted is like running a red light and then being mad you got a ticket. You made that choice, so what if it was okay in the past or you settled for the risk in the past that means it would keep working out in your favor?

Write your own future. Stop looking outside for the answers, you already have them. You just have to learn how to be honest with yourself first – and I mean truly completely honest – before you can ever be a part of a great team.

Teamwork makes the dreamwork. Just ask these girls. Just ask any solid family or friend group that has each other’s backs. It’s not because they’re perfect, it’s because they’re in it together. They know their own shortcomings and rather than look to each other to fix the other, they work on fixing themselves so they can better contribute to the goal. What’s your long game? What are you hoping to accomplish? Take out the other team or win the championship together? Because let’s be honest, playing dirty and taking out the other team doesn’t mean you’re better than them, and it certainly doesn’t mean you win. Usually you get hurt – or even more so – in the process and often there’s a ton of collateral damage and let’s be real here. Saying you didn’t mean to, or you did it in the line of the game or honesty or truth or reality or what’s right really doesn’t mean shit because we’re all responsible for our own actions. But it also means that no one has to live with those actions but you. It’s funny how the truth has a way of bringing out the best in people.

It makes teams closer. It makes people play better. It makes people who maybe were struggling come together in a way they hadn’t thought to before. It makes teams and friends and families shift perspectives. It makes people soften a little, learn a little, listen a little, and in some cases, love a lot. And, when you take off all of your armor and stop being a warrior and be truly vulnerable and let someone in, that’s when being a part of a team becomes truly powerful.

Let’s go, Wildcats! Tomorrow is just another chapter in an incredible part of this #DreamTeam. Whatever happens, I’m proud of you! ❤️

Season shift as the weather changes. Leaves shift from green to reds, golds, and shades of brown until the trees let them go. And oh what a lesson that is – to truly let things go. It’s one I struggle with. I hate being wrong. I hate losing. I hate when I can see where things are going but am powerless to change them. I hate seeing friends hurt or disrespected and fighting when a fight isn’t warranted and isn’t the right answer.

I’m a fighter. I’m so used to standing alone, fighting alone, and having a handful of close friends dispersed across the country (and world) that when it feels like there’s something to fight for right here I tend to overreact. It’s not cool. I do the same when I feel like I am not good enough or start questioning my self-worth too. I overreact. My brain spins. I think through entire conversations and plans that haven’t even happened yet – and likely never will. I run through plans a/b/c/d/e all the way through z until I’m dizzy and have a hard time letting go. I plan too much – and lately have been fighting myself to take a step back, let go, and just see where life takes you.

So far it’s taken me some pretty amazing places. Here, where I live. On short hikes and longer walks with my dogs. Wandering the woods. Time with friends. Soccer games. Dinners with the kids at home and out. Plans for a Sassy 16 with more teenagers than I’ll likely know what to do with but I know we’ll all have a fantastic time.

There’s still a few things hanging in the balance. A few things I need to get better at letting go of, and a few things I need to give space and room to grow in good time.

There’s a chance that things come together in my corner of the Sullivan Catskills in a way that would make living here even more amazing than it already is. I am not saying anything yet, but I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed and hoping for some very good news very very soon.

____________________________

We accept the love we believe we deserve.

I started this above over a week ago, and then left it to let things sit and shift as so often I do. You see, I have learned, despite my strength and willingness to fight for what I believe in, when it comes to people in your life, letting go is so much more important. When I talk about fighting and shifting perspective above, none of that means fighting for someone to stay in your life, fighting for something to work that clearly doesn’t, or trying to force change from the outside when it needs to come from within you, first.

Shift perspective, focus, and breathe.

Fight for those people in your life who need your help and support. Fight to keep your kids safe, and teach them how to learn everything from accountability to self-awareness and responsibility. Teach them that it’s okay to be uncomfortable and learn how to grow through change rather than fight things around them. Fight yourself when your brain tries to tell you you’re not worthy (you are). And then, breathe. Remember, we accept the love we believe we deserve. If you have to fight for someone to love you, to spend time with you, or to be there for you what are you really fighting for? Them? I’d think not. It would seem you’re spending more time fighting yourself to convince yourself you’re worth it when it would seem you don’t fully believe it either. Or maybe the thing you’re fighting for isn’t what’s meant for you and you need to let go to realize you’ll find something better.

Ask me how I know. I spent a long time alone figuring all of this out. It’s made navigating some of the most challenging parts of life much more manageable. I wouldn’t say easy because there are things I have faced that weren’t easy on any scale, but life isn’t supposed to be easy. We don’t grow because of the easy days. We grow through the hard ones. It’s made shifting my perspective from the outside in easier to do. Asking myself – if this thing or that thing or that other thing doesn’t work out, why is that? What can I do to grow, change, and do better? Be better? And above all else, believe I truly deserve better?

You know what happens when I do that?

My whole world slows down in all the best ways. It’s like life downshifted and things are moving more slowly so I can feel and appreciate more. Suddenly the leaves are more colorful. The clouds are whiter, the sky is bluer. The drive to the doctor is magical and not mundane. I’m smiling more. I’m breathing more. And this calm confidence I’ve been seeking and working towards for so many years comes easier these days.

I trust that when I give myself and others space to show up however they are comfortable, we see who we really are to each other and ourselves. I trust that when things get hard, I don’t have to plan out all the options and run in circles and get my mind spinning – it just quiets and I can move forward. I trust that when my friends say the’ve got me, they mean it because when I need them they’re here and they know I have and always will do the same for them. I look at past friendships and relationships that have ended, changed, or drifted apart and can allow myself and them the grace and peace to grow on our own terms in our own ways even if it’s not together or through being friends the way we may have been in the past. And I am comfortable with that and grateful for what we all learned from each other and hopeful that they are too.

We are all doing the best we can with what we have right now. Even when someone is acting petty, upset, or insecure, it’s based on where they are with themselves and where they are in their own life. That doesn’t give us a free pass to be assholes. Quite the opposite. Understanding that we’re all doing our best should be all the more reason to treat each other with compassion and kindness. It’s okay, you can compare me to anyone you like, it won’t change how I view me, or how those who know me view me, or how those who love me love me, and if it gives you some solace I wish you the comfort you seek. Just know that comfort, security, love – all of these things come from you first. You won’t find comfort in someone else if you’re not first comfortable in your own skin. You won’t find security in who you are if you’re not secure with yourself and willing to look at the hard stuff and work on that for you, first. Even love – we accept the love we believe we deserve. Why do you believe you deserve what it is you think you have or had? If you deserve better, go find it. If you’re not sure, spend some time alone and you’d be surprised what you uncover. The mind and heart are incredible things when you let them work together instead of fighting each other for what makes sense, what is comfortable, and what you want, and what makes you happy and where you truly feel at home.

It’s true. Home isn’t a place, it’s a place in the heart. But it’s also more than that. It’s where your loved ones are, where you go to smile and laugh but also where you go to cry and scream. It’s where you have people to hold you when you need a hug or leave you alone when you need to go find space or get lost in the woods for a while. It’s that calm understanding and patience that even when things feel like they’re moving fast, somehow through it all time just stands still because you are right where you’re supposed to be.

It would seem more people read the words I write than I realized, and I hope they bring you comfort too. I love how words on a page can help me grow, but also be as open and fluid to others to read whatever it is they need or want or believe they need to hear. Life is all about perspective. Perhaps, it’s time to shift yours.

There’s no place like home ❤️