Things are changing. The good days far outnumber the bad, and the bad aren’t even that bad anymore. The morning anxiety is (mostly) at bay, and things that worry me are challenges to overcome, not roadblocks that stop me in fear anymore. I’m healing inside and out, and while I am not entirely there yet – we all are works in progress, aren’t we? – I am on my way.

I have hope in ways and things I haven’t before. I am listening to music again, dancing around the house like a child at play, arms flailing, wide-eyed and grinning, laughing at myself with all the joy around me. I am feeling almost ready to emerge from my cocoon of self-welcomed exile this summer, but not quite yet.

Truth be told, I usually become a bit of a recluse in the summer. Town’s too busy with tourists for my liking, and all my friends in hospitality and business owners don’t need my business now when they’re already busy and they’ll be just as happy to see me once the weather turns and the busy season ends. I’ve reveled in this summer at home more than I can ever remember. My home is amazing, my property looks wonderful and loved, and welcoming, and I am actually enjoying it, and time here with true friends and family. I’m not quite ready to leave that just yet. Not that I’ll lever leave it, this is home, but I’m not even quite yet ready to venture out into public. I’ve limited my days and errands, spread out my work to cater to the weather instead of to others, and been able to enjoy socializing in my neighborhood more than ever.

Dog walks almost daily keeping Reese fit ahead of surgery #2. Yoga and mediation daily to help me heal, learn, and grow. Days in the pool when it’s sunny. Visits with friends and found family from out of town that have started their own tradition we plan to continue for as long as we’re able. A connection to my own soul for a change in a way that actually listens, rather than always looking first to help others regardless of the cost or damage to myself.

I have so much energy that taking a day off is hard and I have to actually remind myself to rest rather than remind myself to motivate. I look forward to working out, and to work. To meditating and growing. To reading and learning. I rarely turn on the television, even though I spend about 80% of my week alone. Some days I don’t even see any other humans if we don’t pass anyone on the road on my walks with the dogs. I couldn’t sit still so I did a 2mi walk/jog just now despite having worked out earlier and done 4mi with the dogs yesterday on top of that, and then some, and it was my best time ever. The other day I was excited that I did 3.5mi averaging under 15min per mile and today was even better! While that may not seem like anything to you, I promise you, that’s a huge deal to me!

I’ve had 4 knee surgeries, screws in both, shattered leg, shattered ankle, shattered hand, spine and vertebrae damage and hairline fractures, neck, skull, and nerve damage, and more. The fact that I can jog at all excites me in ways I can’t explain. And not just trail jog (I crossed that milestone about a year or so ago), but road jog – something I couldn’t even do without getting shin splints when I played 3 varsity sports all through high school. That’s incredible to me! I can’t wait til snowboard season, with three boards tuned up and ready to go. Opportunities to go more places – already have my season pass for Holiday Mountain, which may seem small to you, but to me it’s “home”. At just 30 min away, I can pop over for a few runs between meetings, or last minute, and they have night skiing, and will let us have dedicated snowboard racing if we can get funding for the gates (I’m working on it!).

There’s so much on the horizon! I’ve made such amazing friends, up at Plattekill, right here in town (girl, I’ve known you a YEAR now, nuts!), and up in my other mountain home, Lake Vanare and I plan on getting to see all of them this winter and snowboarding with them. I even worked on my novel again for the first time in over a year, and am making great progress!

Things financially are in a hiccup right now, but I believe that’s old things falling apart so new and better things can come together and there are several on the horizon that, when they come to fruition, will make my dreams come true. There are opportunities in front of me that are beyond my wildest dreams, and even if they don’t all or any work out, working towards them and learning from them has been an absolute blessing. I know what I want to do, I know in my soul what I am good at, what my gifts are, and how I want to share that with others. Now I need to believe in myself enough to know that others will recognize that too, and while I have no idea how, I have to trust that the Universe is going to put something or someone in my path that recognizes and believes in me and gives me the opportunity to shine. Kinda like an actor waiting for their big break, only I’m not acting, and the only time I want to be on a stage is to share my story and illuminate the way forward for others.

And that’s exactly what I plan to do. Share my light now that I am finally learning how to do so without depleting myself entirely in the process. But rather by regenerating that light as I share my story and who I am in the right ways, with the right people, the ones who appreciate it, and who appreciate me. I am spending no more time on people who do not want to move forward with me, with love.

I know. I sound all sorts of ridiculous and idealistic. Is this what living like this does? I mean, it’s pretty amazing. I’ve completely torn down every old habit from my entire fucking life. All of it. And started from scratch. I rebuilt from the very beginning. I relearned how to eat. How to drink. How to speak. How to exercise. How to harness your own energy to regenerate more. How to grow. How to love. Starting with yourself. Starting with myself. That’s what I did, and it’s been truly amazing.

So very amazing! So THIS is what joy is? This is what joy really is! How incredible! Yes, it took work. It took a lot of work, actually, and it took tearing everything down and starting over like I’ve never even lived before, but this time listening to my intuition and my soul. And what a difference it’s made. I’m still dancing around the living room, music blasting, still wide-eyed smiling. While I don’t know exactly what’s next for me when it comes to my career, I know that it will be amazing and I trust in that and will keep working hard to get there. I‘Ve been talking to someone online for a month now (ack shit really!) and we’ve talked on the phone a few times, and I am really looking forward to meeting him. He’s been kind and patient, a good listener without over communicating (note to self: over communication malfunction on my end still needs work 😂). I’ve been the holdup and he’s been understanding of that and that’s also helped me want to consider emerging from my summer hideaway, at least for a bit. He doesn’t seem to mind that I know everyone around here so no matter where we go, we’re likely to run into someone I know who hasn’t seen me in months and get questioned. He said he’s okay with that, which is awesome because usually I live a semi-public life (I work in marketing and use my social media to support businesses I work with and am friends with).

That’s a pretty tall order – all of that – and so far, so good, so I am excited. I am excited to meet someone new, in a non-work related manner, and enjoy someone else’s company other than the select few friends I hold close vs. the massive network of people I am friendly with (yes there’s a tremendous difference). I am learning how to respect my extroverted introverted-ness and what that really means. I am, by nature, totally fine alone and prefer and actually need quiet time and space where I feel completely comfortable to let my thoughts rattle around and settle down and sort themselves out and that’s something I’d neglected for too long, always putting others first feeling obligated to be there for everyone without ever really being there for myself. I know the difference now, but also after so long here on my mountain mostly alone, I am just about ready to come back out and play. Laugh. Enjoy. In all the ways I’ve learned joy really is and what it really means these days. That girl you knew before? She doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve turned into a butterfly. Just give me a few more weeks…or months…and then I’ll reemerge and be ready to fly 🦋 💕