That’s what I’m doing right now. I don’t know if it’s normal or not, or just makes me weird, but I’ve always done it. Had conversations with myself. They’re not out loud, they’re in my head but I can hear the thoughts clear as if they were spoken much the same way I often hear thoughts of others, as if they were spoken in that person’s native voice. I realize this probably makes me sound crazy. I’ve been called as much for years, my whole life actually. But I’ve also realized that I am never going to heal from this if I don’t drop my guard, let go of the constant strive towards perfection, disallowing any mistakes from myself or more aptly, living from a place of fear of getting in trouble.

Ever since I was a child, I was terrified of getting in trouble. I’m not a rule-breaker by nature, and the more I’ve matured, the more it seems my outward confidence has grown but that little girl inside of me is more terrified than ever of getting in trouble. I suppose that makes so much of what I’m dealing with outright ironic these days, but also in humor there is healing.

I’ve withdrawn a lot. For a lot of reasons. But mostly because I’ve let go of the energy and need to explain myself over and over and over again. The constant justifying of who I am, verifying what I am worth, clarifying what I mean, and being so careful to not step on anyone’s toes and not get in trouble for anything, that I had frozen in place.

There are many things in this world that are frightening. Most of all, the state of stagnation and the absence of growth nearly as much as the fear of change. I’ve been stuck somewhere between those that I’ve dug myself a hole and buried over the pain of the past in the forced positivity of looking forward and being a beacon of hope to everyone around me that I didn’t realize I had turned into the lighthouse getting beat on by all of those waves.

I needed this. But I’ve been struggling too, a lot, and it comes in waves. Sometimes it’s right there like you expect it like high tide at the beach in summer. Other times it hits from behind out of nowhere like a cross-wave diagonal to shore. It doesn’t look big at all but it knocks you down and takes the wind right out of your sails and next thing you know you’re coming up behind the break with a mouthful of water spewing and coughing like the devil himself just tried to down you. Maybe he did. Or maybe it was the shock of the wave. And the realization that all this time you had been trying to drown yourself but you’re learning that it doesn’t have to be that way. And so you stand up, spit out the rest of the salt water from your lungs and catch the next wave to shore. You’ve got a life to go after.