I would like nothing more. Actions speak our true character, words just romance us. My one friend put it succinctly when she said:

“How we face fear tells so much about our character, we are no more than the sum of our actions and the reliability of our word.”

I’ve said my whole life my word is my bond, and I’ve meant it. There are some things that are values that are a part of me. But truth be told, actions and words aligning are the most important part of who we are.

There have been people in my life this year who I have had to step back from because their words and actions didn’t align, or they just didn’t have the courage to follow through. It’s been easier than in prior years, which is saying something since this has happened with a few friends so far this year, though I hope we’re done with that. I just keep reminding myself that negativity will not leave you. You must leave it. If it is in your life, it is only because you allow it to be. Easier said than done sometimes. It gets easier over time with confidence and trust in yourself, and when you respect yourself enough to realize that while there is some good in having boundaries adjust and change, it’s never okay when it is to the detriment of your values.

My opinions are based on what people show me of themselves, not on what stories they tell. I’m a storyteller too, both in work and life. We all are. Life is a story, and we are our own authors. However it’s more than that. Words on a page can spark emotion, drive anger, inspire love, create passion, and so much more. But they’re still just words.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

– Maya Angelou

I don’t always. That’s a lesson I have a hard time with. I also believe people can change, but only if they truly want to and never for someone else. Change for someone rather than change that is self-initiated is never sustainable. At some point in the future, the choices made to enact that change for someone else result in resentment, a crumbling of trust, and eventually the floor falls out. I’ve seen it too many times in people around me and that’s not something I want to be a part of. I’ve spent a very very long time alone because I felt that I was worth investing in – and I still believe that today. I learned that going from one relationship to another just to fill that hole in my heart and to feel loved only resulted in the floor falling out eventually. And eventually I learned that hurt far more than learning how to look myself in the mirror every day and love the person looking back at me.

It was a long journey, and I’m finally home. I moved in this past September, but it just recently truly started feeling like home. Once the weather broke from winter, riding again was the last missing piece. The yard still needs work, and the ground hasn’t settled and as soon as I have more money, I need to lay the Lighthoof panels and order more gravel so we can drive along the barns behind them and drive to the shop if we need. Right now it’s a sopping wet muddy mess but that’s ok. We just put in the water lines in early December so it’s going to take some work. We have time. We live here now. It’s home.

I lost most of last year from riding because every free moment not working for one of my three agencies, I was commuting 2h away to my childhood home to clean it out and sell it after the death of my father. There was barely time to breathe, let alone ride. This year is different. I will have Duke and Cole both conditioned and ready for the first pace April 24th, right before I leave for the Land Rover Kentucky Three-Day event for one of the busiest weeks of my career. I am doing their marketing with my team and we’re going to rock it! But it’s long days, and even longer nights, usually up at 6, working by 7, home by 10 to do it all again the next day. And that’s not counting the other client work that needs to get done that is unrelated to the event. It’ll be exhausting but worth it.

When I’m back, it’s full swing on hunter pace season, and I can’t wait! We get one in before the trip. There’s a follow up trip for Florida planned for mid-May, and then beach to see friends, then Six Flags, and hopefully VA to see more friends and Busch Gardens, and camping to Lake Luzerne with the horses in between. Working this hard is absolutely worth it!

Maybe you’ll be here but I don’t believe so. Good thing I’m not a betting person, huh? Guess that’s why I only bet on horses – they’re a lot easier to understand than humans, that’s for damn sure. There’s a lot of stuff you’ve said that I don’t believe, but that doesn’t mean I want to be right. People assume I always have to be right but that’s not true at all. I just prefer not to ask questions that I don’t already know the answers to which is why I research things so much and learn as much as I can before I speak….well most of the time anyway haha! We all have our moments. Anyway. I really don’t want to be right, especially not about this. For now, though, I believe I am. There’s been nothing else to show me otherwise. It’s also why I’m not asking the questions. I have no way of knowing the answers other than to base it on what I’ve seen so far. I don’t have time for conjecture. Life is calling and I must go. Feel free to prove me wrong.

Prove me wrong CJ Millar life without. Paddle