In every sense of the word.
I am reminded of things every day.
Even when I am not wanted somewhere, I am still loved.
Even when I am not the best version of me, I am always giving 100% and more, and sometimes that’s too much, and sometimes that’s not enough, but the one thing it always is, without a doubt, is me.
I take responsibility for things, even when they are not mine, not because it is about making things or situations or emotions about ME, but because it’s about helping me learn, grow, and do and be better. For those who stand by me and love me. I want to be better for YOU.
I will never do anything to willingly hurt myself, ever. Not even on the bad days, the hard days, or the darkest times. There are always moments where I can smile. Wrestle with my kids. Joke with people I love. And remember there is always light in the darkness and there is always magic around you if you believe.
I am here. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I learn. I grow. I evolve. I make mistakes. I say things thinking they will be seen one way to learn they are taken another. I am afraid of saying the wrong things and sometimes stumble over my words or say nothing at all and in my fear I fill that space with the wrong words at the wrong time and the wrong stories with the wrong endings.
I am still writing my story. This is just a chapter. And the beginning of a new part of my life.
I am not alone. Even when I feel it as such, I am never alone. I am loved. I am valuable. And even when I make mistakes, I hope that all those whom I love can see that I never ever do so with the intention to hurt. Even when my gut reaction is to burn it all down, or rebuild those walls. Or shut down and pretend everything is fine.
I am not okay. And that’s okay.
I will be. We will be. All of us will be.
I hear thoughts. I second guess myself. I am often afraid of what I hear, or how to be honest about what I see. I see more than I say, and I hear more than I am comfortable with but I am still sorting through the truth of what is real and what are my own fears, and what are imagined thoughts, self-doubts, or even my brain trying to convince me that the only way to deal with emotional pain is to make it a physical one. I know it’s lying. I haven’t been that person in decades. And there’s a reason why – aside from friends – I’ve been alone for decades.
Life has too much to offer to keep tearing myself down and building myself back up to have people keep walking away.
I’m not walking away.
here. I don’t have anywhere else to go. I don’t have anyone else to be. I only know how to be me. Even the bad parts. Especially the good parts. And I am so blessed to be surrounded by a tribe of people who pick me up and hold me every time that I feel like I am falling down, or drowning.
I love you. Thank you.