Don’t give up on me. I’m just in a rut. I’m climbing but the walls keep stacking it up…
And so the Killers give me a new set of words to the things I keep on doing to myself. You see, I never doubted you. I only ever doubted myself. Sometimes, more often than I’d like to admit, I still do.
It’s just who I am. It comes in waves. I’m not always this bad, just sometimes, and those sometimes are fewer and father between but they are real nonetheless. So please, don’t give up on me, I’m just in a rut. I’m trying to let these walls down. I’ll climb and I’ll climb. I won’t always have these walls forever. They just took so long to build, it almost seems silly to just let them down in a day, or a week, or even a month.
And so here it is, my old friend Fear, telling me to ignore Hope and Faith, and let all those doubts come rushing back in. I’ve had so many of them my whole life, that it’s become a part of who I am. A part that I’ve spent so many years overcoming. But given just this slightest bit of change and suddenly I’m doubting myself again.
I started writing this back in 2018, and could have sworn I published it but apparently I never even finished it. So now I am back here, in this same rut – or one that feels much the same from the hole that I am in – and revisiting things I’ve already said and once again finding their timelessness as it relates to my own state of mind a combination of comforting and weary all at once.
I don’t know why I end up back here. I do know that I expect too much of myself. That I try too hard, and push too hard, and do too much. I’d take on the world if I could, and even though I can’t many days I still do. I’ve been a warrior for so long that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to sit here and not bleed for a while. Or how to stop bleeding at all.
I pour my heart and soul into everything I do. I loathe laziness and doing anything half-assed or half way or just because. I believe in living life with a purpose, and a passion, and a reason. Even when the reason is just to be. To enjoy. To feel. To love.
Whatever it is in life, follow it. Chase that dream. I may finally get those words tattooed on my arms because I deserve it. And they are a constant reminder of who I am, and how much I’ve come through, as well as how far I am still going. You see, you can get everywhere from here, as long as you have hope and faith. Even when the world is trying to swallow you whole and it is terrifying to even remember to breathe. Just breathe. Just climb. One step, one day, one mountain at a time.
oh hey, I finally drew that tattoo I’ve been waiting for…